Confessions of a Crazy Mom…

Random thoughts, opinions, and observations from a slightly insane stay-at-home mom

Archive for the ‘Body Image’ Category

Goodbye 2010, Hello 2011

Posted by Jenny on January 2, 2011

There’s no question that 2010 was all about trying new things for me.  I probably took more risks and tried more new activities in 2010 than I had in the 37 years prior.

A brief recap…

  • Started a blog
  • Began jogging for the first time in my life
  • Started drinking coffee (not really an accomplishment, I know, but it was new for me and became very important in my life ;) )
  • Tried Zip-lining
  • Ran a half-marathon, 10K, and two 5K’s (in that order)
  • Started going to yoga and eventually became hooked on Hot Yoga
  • Went para-sailing
  • Served on a jury for over 2 weeks
  • Did a 30-Day Hot Yoga challenge (completed 22 classes in 30 days)
  • Completed a 21-Day meditation challenge

Wow, I’m even a little impressed by that list.  What’s sad is that I didn’t end the year as triumphantly as it began.  From about Thanksgiving on, I let the craziness of the holidays get the better of me.  Besides all the shopping, wrapping, baking, cooking, cleaning and mailing of cards and gifts, I also hosted Thanksgiving for 40 people, led the 4th grade class in a school wide service project for the Ronald McDonald house, and survived 2 snow days during the kids last week of school before break.  On top of all that, I felt like crap for most of the month which led to blood work, then what seemed like 27 phone calls with the doctor’s office, then an actual appointment, and finally an increase in my thyroid medication which is what I knew I needed all along.  So although I truly do love Christmas and everything that comes with it, I did let the stress get me down this year.  What also happened was that I quit doing all of those things that keep me sane – writing, running, yoga, meditating.  And, my therapist told me she’s retiring at the end of January, so I only have 2 more appointments (can I do it without her?)  Basically that means that when 2010 ended I was just as messed up as I was when it started.  The good news is, that I know what to do to make 2011 even better!!

I’ve never been one to make New Year’s resolutions, but it feels like the right thing to do this year.  I also know that when I write things down or share them with other people, I’m more likely to follow through.  So, here goes…

In 2011, I’m going to run the Flying Pig half-marathon for the 2nd time.  I’m going to get a better time than last year which was  2 hrs, 45 min.  My goal is to be closer to 10 min miles.  I would also like to be more committed to my yoga practice.  I never felt better than I did during the 30-day challenge.   Finally, I want to write more.  I love doing the blog, and I’m going to commit to writing two posts a week, and hope to do even more.

There’s one more thing I’m seriously thinking about, but I don’t know if this is the year, so I don’t want to claim it as a resolution.  I really want to become a certified yoga teacher.  I can’t get the idea out of my head and I have looked into the training programs available.  It’s not outrageously expensive and it can be done in as little as 4 months or spread out as long as 2 years.  There are a few things holding me back, but mostly it’s my own fear and doubt…I haven’t been doing yoga long enough, I’m not good enough at yoga to teach it, I won’t fit in with the other students, I’m not as thin as any other yoga teacher I’ve ever met, do I really want to give up my weekends to go back to school.  We just finished paying off my student loans for a degree I’ve never really used, should I spend another $2000 on my education?  I know that none of those reasons should stop me if it’s what I want to do, but like I said, I have to figure out if now is the time to do it, or should I wait?

Basically, I’m re-committing myself to staying healthy (mind, body, spirit).  I have some plans, that’s for sure, but I’m open to new opportunities that pop up along the way, as well.  I can’t wait to see what’s next.

Until later…

Posted in 2011, 30-Day Hot Yoga Challenge, 5K, Anxiety, Back to School, Blogging, Body Image, Christmas, Community Service, Exercise, Extreme Sports, Fear, Holidays, Hot Yoga, Hypothyroidism, Kids, Marathon, Meditation, Motherhood, New Year's Resolutions, Stress, The Flying Pig, Writing, Zipline | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments »

The 30-Day Yoga Challenge

Posted by Jenny on November 2, 2010

October has ended, so now you get to hear all about my 30-Day Hot Yoga Challenge.  I’m sure you’ve been dying to know how it went.

September was gone in the blink of an eye because of jury duty (which included very little exercise, too much junk food, and LOTS of caffeine), so I figured I needed to do something crazy in October to get myself back on track and motivated again.  I saw that my yoga studio was doing a 30-day challenge and it sounded like just what I needed.   For $120 you put your name up on the big board to track your progress, you can go to a class every day the month of October and if you complete a minimum of 22 classes, you are entered into a drawing for a 6-month unlimited pass.  They also promised it would change your life…or something like that.  Here’s the blurb from the website:

Imagine a svelte, calm, and more balanced you. 30 Days of consistent classes (any classes on the schedule) will set up a discipline. For your mind, and for your body. It will set up your expectations and help you find a way to better fit yoga into your life on a regular basis. It will refresh and renew your body.

Sounds fantastic doesn’t it??  Too good to be true??  Maybe, but I had done enough yoga, and I knew from experience that 21 days of any behavior leads to a habit, so I was going to give it a shot.  I realize the fact that I could even consider participating was a luxury that most moms don’t have, but just because I had the time, didn’t mean committing to and completing the challenge was easy.  It meant giving up about 3 hours every day to sweat my ass off and workout.  It meant choosing discomfort over sitting on my bed and writing a blog post.  It meant choosing something that was solely for me and my own physical, mental, and spiritual health and neglecting things that should have been on my to-do list, like cleaning my house.  Not many women I know would make a choice like that, there would be guilt and stress about chores that weren’t getting done and it would feel way too selfish.  I do get that, I can tell you honestly, that a year or two ago, I wouldn’t have done it either.

I knew when I signed up, that I couldn’t do all 30 days.  I have two girls who play soccer every Saturday and Sundays can be really busy too.  I let myself off the hook for the weekends, I had to…that would have caused stress for all of us.  I hoped to make it to 26 classes, but I decided that if I only did 22, I was okay with that (perfection is way over-rated).

I’m happy and proud to tell you that I made it to 22 Hot Yoga classes in October and I truly have never felt better.  I made it almost every weekday and 4 out of 5 Sundays, so most of the month I was going 6 days a week.  Some days were harder than others.  There were definitely mornings when I didn’t want to go, but I did.  There were classes that were more difficult than others, but I always finished.

It’s hard for me to describe exactly how it changed me.  I feel it so profoundly, yet I’m struggling to put it into words.  I feel overwhelming peace and calm.  That probably sounds unrealistic to you, but to me it’s not really adequate.  There is a quietness inside of me, I don’t have the crazy, paranoid nonsense in my head all the time, I’m not constantly running through lists of what needs to be done.  I’m perfectly okay with not getting things done.  I think more before I speak, so I think the quietness is external too.  I also think before I do anything.  I don’t make any plans without really considering whether or not it works for me and my family, and I’m okay to cut something out of the schedule if it doesn’t work.

There have been physical changes, as well.  I didn’t lose a single pound, which is surprising with all the sweating, but I definitely built some muscle.  I can see it mostly in my arms and legs.  I know I’ve built more core strength.  I can actually feel muscles in my abdomen which is new to me (pretty sure, however, that they will never be visible after carrying 3 babies).  I see the biggest difference in my waist.  I have always had a very straight boy-like figure, even when I’ve been thin, and I can actually see definition in my waist.  I honestly didn’t  think that was possible.  I’ve also gained some flexibility.  I am able to go deeper into most of the poses than I was at the beginning of the month.  I can’t believe my body can do this!!  The other thing is that I have a body awareness that I never possessed before.  This is also really difficult for me to describe…I’ll try.  I’ve never really been able to control how my body moves, nor have I been comfortable with it.  But the slow, controlled movements of yoga and the discipline it takes to breathe correctly and make minor adjustments to different body parts and muscle groups to really do a pose accurately have changed that.  All of the poses require you to be conscious of several parts of your body, the instructors are constantly reminding you to tuck your tailbone in, square your hips to the mirror, tuck your chin, flex your feet, etc, etc.  The more you practice, the better you get.  Before yoga I couldn’t even relax my wrist when I was getting a hand massage during a manicure.  The nail tech would tell me over and over to relax and I literally couldn’t do it.

I am hooked!  I actually find myself doing yoga poses in the middle of the day at home, just because the stretch feels so good.  I actually haven’t been to a class since Thursday because Halloween weekend festivities took over for a few days, and I miss it terribly.  I know I can’t continue to go 6 days a week, it’s too much time, but I’m hopeful that I will stay committed to at least 2 or 3 classes a week, and I would consider another 30 day challenge somewhere down the road.

I really do wish I could get everyone I know to do yoga…hot or not…for so many reasons.  First of all, anyone can do it.  Size, shape, flexibility and fitness level truly do not matter at all.  Yoga is all about doing what works for you, making modifications for your body and ability, and all of the instructors I have met are extremely kind and really do want to help you.  Second of all, it is completely non-competitive.  I didn’t believe that when I started, but it is true.  I do look around sometimes, especially if we are doing a new pose and I don’t quite understand what I’m supposed to do, and sometimes I’m in awe of what other students are capable of, but I never feel inadequate, and I never wish to be where they are.  There are still classes where I get too tired and have to take child’s pose for a bit to rest and I don’t ever get embarrassed about it.  I know I’m doing my best and listening to my body.

I think I could practice yoga for the rest of my life and always love it!!  Give it a try, I know you’ll love it too!!

Until later…

Posted in 30-Day Hot Yoga Challenge, Blogging, Body Image, Exercise, Hot Yoga, Meditation, Stress, The Weekend, Writing | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments »

She’s Growing Up, and I’m Not Ready!!

Posted by Jenny on August 11, 2010

My Big 9-Year-Old

Addy turned nine on Saturday.  That seems crazy to me!!  It’s taken me years to believe and accept that I am actually an adult and responsible for three small children and all of a sudden I’m supposed to accept that I have a 9-year-old.

On Thursday afternoon she came running home from a friend’s house announcing that she needed deodorant and she was excited about it.  It was all I could do not to laugh as she walked up to me with her arm raised so I could smell for myself.  She was right!!  There it was, that unmistakable BO smell.  OMG!!  Her three closest friends have been wearing deodorant for a couple of years now, and Addy has been asking.  I kept telling her she didn’t need it and I just didn’t want her to start yet.  So the fact that she finally had a legitimate excuse made her very happy.  We had plans to go school supply shopping that evening, so we added deodorant to the list.  You should have seen her trying to pick out just the right scent.  She finally settled on vanilla.

I gotta tell you, I’m just not ready for this even though  I knew it was coming.  For months, she’s been at that in-between stage of not really needing a bra, but having to be careful about wearing white shirts, and now I think she’s going to need one almost every day.  We are definitely going to have to get some more before school starts.  (I’m sure she will be far more excited about that than I am.)  We have also had several conversations (aka arguments) lately that have been so irrational, raging hormones had to be running the show.  Then, I was looking at her on Friday and she had three little pimples on her nose (it was all I could do not to hold her down and pop them).  Seriously, where did all this come from?  I’ve been in serious denial for a while now.  Seriously, she has been beautifully naive about so many things for so long, she still believes in Santa, for crying out loud!!  How can she be starting puberty?  It’s definitely here and I know that means I need to talk to her.

My own mom didn’t handle it well at all.  She was too embarrassed to talk about it and I knew it, so of course I was embarrassed too.  She gave me a book to read and that was it, so I didn’t really handle it well either.  It was confusing to me and I can tell you without a doubt, I wasn’t even a little bit excited about any part of it.  I didn’t want to deal with it.  Besides all that,  I was young, so I didn’t even have friends to talk to about the whole thing.

I don’t want my girls to have the same experience I did.  I want to be here to answer their questions, to explain what’s going on, and to make sure they understand that even if they feel embarrassed, it’s all normal.  I’m not gonna lie, now that it’s here, I kind of want to hand her a book and be done with it.  I can understand why my mom acted the way she did.  The thought of having an in-depth, frank conversation with her scares me to death, but I am determined and committed to doing it the right way.  I just hope that when we get a chance to do it, the words will come.  That I will give her straight forward, honest answers that she can understand.  That even when I’m feeling uncomfortable, she won’t know it.  That I can be excited about it like she is.  Wish me luck!!

Until later…

Posted in Anxiety, Body Image, Bras, Friends, Kids, Motherhood, Puberty | Tagged: , , , , , | 9 Comments »

Hot Yoga Is So Cool!!

Posted by Jenny on May 26, 2010

The last few weeks I’ve been obsessed with trying hot yoga.  My friend mentioned it to me months ago, but it was before I had done any yoga at all, so it kinda went in one ear and out the other.  Then my therapist talked about it a few times and I thought it sounded interesting.  What really got me wanting to try it was another blog I read, Nucking Futs Mama.  She’s a bit obsessed with it, and it sounded like something I would like to try so I started looking into it.

I’ve always hated to be hot and sweaty.  If it’s above 80° outside, I want no part of Mother Nature unless the pool or ocean is nearby.   However, if I’m working out, I don’t feel like I’ve done any good if I haven’t worked up a sweat…that’s what was missing in the few yoga classes I had taken.  I loved the way I felt mentally and I left feeling peaceful and relaxed, but I didn’t necessarily feel like I had exercised.  I still wanted to go for a run when the class was over.  So hot yoga sounded like the perfect combination to me.

I started researching studios nearby and picked one that sounded good for beginners.  My friend Brenda said she would love to do it with me, so it was just a matter of finding a class time that fit both of our schedules…that happened last night.  I was so excited!!  I have no idea why I thought spending an hour and a half in a 100° room sounded like fun, but it did.  Of course, I had all my normal anxiety about what to wear, what if I can’t follow along, what if I think I’m following along just fine, but really I look like a complete idiot and everyone in the room is secretly thinking I shouldn’t be there, what if someone farts and I start laughing and can’t stop, what if the smell of sweaty bodies in close quarters makes me puke…you get the idea…I’m doing better most days, but I’m still crazy!!

The evening didn’t get off to a great start.  I went to see my cousin and her new baby in the hospital before yoga.  I should have had plenty of time but I got lost leaving the hospital.  I thought I knew what I was doing but apparently I didn’t and my car was about to run out of gas and I was in a really bad neighborhood so even if I saw a gas station (which I didn’t) I wasn’t about to stop so I called Tom to see if he could tell me what to do and he couldn’t because I didn’t know enough about where I was so I started crying and just kept driving and eventually got on a highway that didn’t lead me where I needed to be but at least I knew where I was so I could finally find a gas station and head toward the yoga studio.  I definitely needed some deep cleansing breaths by the time I arrived!!

The woman at the desk was really nice and asked us about previous yoga experience.  Brenda has been doing it for five years off and on and I’ve only been to three very basic classes at the gym.  She then said if at any time during the class you feel sick or dizzy just go into child’s pose or lie on your back, please don’t leave the room.  There won’t be anyone in the reception area so if you get sick or pass out, no one will be around to help you.  Looking back, that should have scared me a little bit, but it didn’t…I ran a freaking half marathon for cryin’ out loud!!

We got our mats and towels (beach size and hand towel) and water and walked into the studio.  There were already several people inside.  I scoped the place out for an inconspicuous spot where there was still room for both Brenda and me.  I led us over to the far back corner of the room.  I whispered as quietly as I could (you are supposed to be silent in the studio) that I wanted her to be in front of me so I could watch her.  We set up and laid down on our mats to “quiet ourselves” before class started.  It was the hottest room I have ever been in…not an exaggeration.  I was sweating before class began.

Pretty much the worst thing I could imagine happened when class started…we were actually in the front of the room, not the back!!  How we didn’t notice the mirrors on the wall right where we settled down, I’ll never know.  So I was directly in front of the mirror looking at my sweaty red-faced self in awkward uncomfortable poses for 75 minutes…I admit I’m vain, but I truly don’t enjoy watching myself work out!!  And, Brenda was actually behind me, not in front of me!  That part didn’t work out so badly because of the mirrors and half the time I was hanging upside down looking toward the back anyway.

As it turned out, I made it through the first 45 minutes or so without a problem.   I’m not lying when I say I have never been so sweaty in my life.  The first time I bent over for “Downward-Facing Dog”, I was shocked at the sweat dripping off my face and arms onto the towel.  Then I looked at my legs and you would have thought I just climbed out of a pool.  Seriously, I didn’t know my knees could sweat!!  It was harder than I expected, but I was keeping up with the class fairly well, and being in front of the mirror was actually helpful when the teacher explained the poses.  The whole class had been more difficult than I expected, but I was keeping up really well for a while.  I would guess that the class was about 2/3 over when it started getting really difficult for me.  I started getting light-headed so I tried Savasana (corpse pose) for a while.  It seemed to help, so I tried to get back to what the class was doing, but every time I sat up, I was dizzy.  I tried child’s pose for a bit, which also seemed to help, but I was still dizzy when I tried anything that involved lifting my head off of the floor, so I pretty much remained in Savasana for the rest of the class.  I was a little self-conscious about not participating, but the teacher kept saying “listen to your body, stop if you need to stop” and to be honest quitting seemed less embarrassing than possibly fainting or vomiting the 64 oz of water I had consumed over the last hour…Lord knows I didn’t want to be the one to disrupt the silence!

I realize I’m probably not doing a great job selling the idea of hot yoga based on my first experience, but I am being completely honest when I say that I loved it!!  I felt great when class ended.  I was relaxed and calm and something about sweating that much was so cleansing and refreshing.  The teacher told us that we both did really well, she actually forgot that I was a beginner, and it’s totally normal to feel a little light-headed and not be able to finish the class when you are just starting out. For all I know she is the owner of the studio and she just wants my money, but I don’t really care…I’m choosing to believe her!!

I can’t wait to go back!  In fact,  I’m desperately trying to find a babysitter Thursday, Friday, or Saturday so that I can get another class in this week.  Once school gets out, I’m seriously considering going to the 6am classes.  Then I don’t have to worry about a sitter or be away from home too many evenings.  It just may become my newest addiction!!

Until later…

Posted in Addiction, Anxiety, Body Image, Exercise, Fear, Friends, Hot Yoga, Marathon, Motherhood | Tagged: , , , , , | 1 Comment »

For My Women Readers Only

Posted by Jenny on May 17, 2010

I just have to tell you about my newest favorite thing.  Before I go any further, I’m going to issue one more warning to any man who may be reading.  I don’t want you to get embarrassed or not be able to talk to me next time you see me, so stop now…

The “Miraculous Push-up Bra” by Victoria’s Secret is quite possibly the best $50 I ever spent.  Okay, it was more like $200 plus tax because I have four now, but they were worth every penny, and it’s still far less than plastic surgery.  I never had much to begin with (even when pregnant and nursing) but since I’ve lost weight it’s just downright sad.  My sister told me about this gift from God and so I stopped by VS last week to be fitted…it was depressing!!  Even the sales girl looked like she felt sorry for me…36A.  Well this ultra cushy padded contraption promises to add two cup sizes while also lifting and creating cleavage.  On top of all that, it’s actually pretty and comfortable and the straps don’t fall down.  This may go on my list of top inventions that have truly changed my life along with tivo, iPods, and email.  It was a little awkward when I went to pay and the girl at the register was a former fourth grade student of mine, but all in all I couldn’t be happier with this find.

I will stop short of posting before and after pics.  I’m really just too busy these days with blogging and running and keeping my kids out of juvie to be a lingerie model.

Until later…

Posted in Body Image, Bras, Exercise, Gifts, God, Motherhood | Tagged: , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments »

A Healthy Glow

Posted by Jenny on March 18, 2010

The one thing I hate about this time of the year is exposing my pasty, white legs to the world.  I’ve broken out the capris for spring and it’s scary how close the light stone color of the pants is to my skin.   Don’t get me wrong, I love that the kids can finally go out and play again and I even like being outside (though I’m not outdoorsy and I stop enjoying it when the temp reaches 80), but this has always been a difficult time of the year for me.  I know it’s no longer cool to want a tan…it’s causes wrinkles and freckles and age spots and a deadly form of cancer, yada, yada, yada…but I feel so much better with a little color.  I have gotten pretty good about wearing sunscreen since I turned 30(for all the reasons mentioned previously). I wear it on my face all year long and the rest of me all summer. But between you and me, I’ll skip it til I have a pretty good base color.

It’s bad enough that I’m so vain, but you know what’s even worse?  Next time Reilly and I have some Mommy time, I’m seriously considering taking her for a spray tan.  I’m only half-joking.  She had shorts on yesterday and for a second I actually thought she had put on white tights with them. (This brings me to something else I’ve been wanting to get off my chest.  A lot of people I’m sure thought it was still a little on the chilly side for shorts,  60′s, and I have to say I agree.  However, my kids wanted to wear them and it has been scientifically proven time and time again that being cold does not make you sick, so I figure it’s their problem if they are cold.  They are old enough to know that if they are uncomfortable, they need to put on more clothes.  So I don’t get what the point would be in fighting with them over this or demanding they wear something else…I’m just saying.)

So, where was I?  Oh that’s right, talking about getting my five-year old a spray tan.  Don’t judge me…it could be worse.  I could just sit her outside all day in her swimsuit without sunscreen until she gets some color.  Really, I do think she’s beautiful just the way she is, it’s more that I’m worried about the glare blinding the people driving down our street when she’s playing outside…so really it’s for her protection.  Besides that, getting a spray tan is actually a lot of fun and surprisingly natural looking, I think she’d get a kick out of it.  Anyway, it was just a thought…I doubt I’ll follow through…maybe when she’s six.

Until later…

Posted in Body Image, Kids, Motherhood | Tagged: , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments »

What was I thinking?

Posted by Jenny on February 24, 2010

I’ve got to be honest…I’m freaking out a little!!  I actually told people I was doing this and now they’ve read it and commented and maybe told other people…and I talked about my saggy breasts and that I don’t like other people’s children…and people are going to check back and see what else I have to say and what if I can’t think of anything else to write and this brief burst of creativity is gone…OMG…what have I done??

This is how my mind works.  Scary don’t you think?  How exhausting it is to second guess everything I do, to replay over and over in my mind the way I handled a situation or what I said in a conversation?  If someone was actually talking to me like that it would be all I could do to keep from screaming “SHUT UP!”  Why do I talk to myself that way?  It’s no wonder I have spent years paralyzed with fear, afraid to break a rule, afraid to take a risk.  I can’t begin to tell you all the things I have been afraid of.  There are all kinds of little things like being afraid my baby would fall asleep in the car and then not take a nap.  Could there be anything worse than an afternoon where my baby doesn’t get a nap?  Seriously, I freak out when my schedule gets messed up.  I’ve been afraid of bigger, more general things too, like flying.  I hate to fly.  A few years ago when I was pregnant with my third daughter I was supposed to go to Florida with my mom for a few days…all by myself…no husband, no kids.  As the departure day neared I got more and more anxious about the flight.  What if I died and left my husband and girls all alone?  I got all the way to the airport and couldn’t get out of the car.  I just couldn’t do it.  My husband drove me home and I literally took to my bed for a day and a half.  I was so angry and disappointed in myself.  Of course both of the flights I was supposed to be on made it safely.  My mom and her friend had a great time and I was still at home, pregnant and exhausted and feeling stupid.  (I am proud to say that since then I have flown a couple of times…but I can only do it with medication.)  Then of course there are the really big things like every time I have a headache I’m sure it’s brain cancer and my children are going to be orphaned (by the way, in my own mind I’ve also had breast, ovarian and lung cancer, diabetes, MS, and early onset Alzheimer’s…and I’m only 36.)  The biggest one of all is the fear of being me, of really showing someone who I am, what I think, what I feel, what I’ve done.  The fear of admitting to myself what I really want to do and be to make myself happy and fulfilled.  The fear that if I can actually get out of my own way and somehow try to do something different that I might be wrong and I might fall flat on my face.  UGH!!!  I’m so sick of the fear.

Speaking of fear, since that seems to be where I’m going, I went to yoga all by myself tonight.  It was hard enough for me to go to exercise classes with friends, but that worked out okay…we laughed at each other and ourselves when we couldn’t keep up.  I had yet to go by myself though.  I have only been to yoga twice, but I really liked it, and I was feeling the need for some calming down (I let two of my girls have playdates today…and not with the neighbors. We didn’t do anything crazy like play-doh or paint, but I did take them out to lunch and I let them play upstairs, which is a rare treat.  That’s me being fun mommy :) )  Anyway, beside the fact that I was going alone, I got there one minute before class started and had to be in the middle of the room.  I like to get to the classes early so I can get a nice, inconspicuous spot in the far back corner where no one can watch my butt shake or see me fall or look at the rolls on my stomach if my shirt rides up doing “Down Dog.”  So at this point I’m getting really nervous.  The woman next to me is obviously a professional…what the hell was she doing in my beginner class anyway?  But I breathe through it, telling myself it’s going to be okay, no one is looking at me (which is bullshit, by the way, I’m constantly checking out the other people in class…I’m not judging them, but I am observing).  The class starts and it’s going okay, I’m staying pretty calm and following along and getting more and more comfortable.  But then I feel a little something in my stomach, and then a little something else, and then all I can think is “Please don’t fart, please don’t fart, Lord help me if one slips out, I’m pretty sure I’ll die!!”  It was downhill from there.  I spent the next thirty minutes or so concentrating on not farting.  Let me tell you it wasn’t easy. Anyway, I did manage to relax a little by the end and left feeling pretty good…maybe not as relaxed as I had hoped but proud of myself for going and making it through the class.  Of course I got home to find that the kids weren’t in their pj’s, they hadn’t had their bedtime snack, and the little one hadn’t cleaned up the mess in her room from the earlier playdate (that’s why I don’t let them play up there more often).  Needless to say I was back in the hole as far as stress relief for the day.  But that’s okay, I checked one more thing off my mile long list of things I’m afraid to do…and I’m going to keep writing this blog and hoping people read it and respond, for now anyway, because it feels good…but mostly because it scares the hell out of me!

Until later…

Posted in Body Image, Exercise, Fear | Tagged: , , , | 3 Comments »

 
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