Archive for the ‘Blogging’ Category
Posted by Jenny on August 31, 2011
It’s been a while since I posted anything on my blog, and surprisingly a few people have actually asked me when I was going to write again. There are many little things that had me stuck, but it all comes back to the same thing that always has me stuck when I get stuck and that’s FEAR!! I’ve written about it before…the fact that I get freaked out about so many people who I know from so many different times in my life reading my blog, but several specific things happened that had me re-evaluating the whole “publishing my private life online” thing again.
- As the blog got more serious I had one person say to me, “Get back to the funny stories about your kids, the whole spiritual journey thing’s been done a million times before and we’re bored with it.”
- I wrote about a couple of “controversial” topics (Planned Parenthood, religion,) and got into some heated debates publicly and privately.
- My mother-in-law googled me out of the blue one day and found my blog. I really didn’t like that.
- My mom joined Facebook, so she would probably see a post in her news feed and stumble upon the whole thing and read it. I really, really didn’t like that.
There were a few other random things that were said to me or discussions I had where I felt like someone was making fun of me, and all of it together just got to be too much and once again I was obsessing about what others think and I let it get to me.
I never wanted to give up on the blog and I continued finding topics to write about, I just had to spend some time really thinking about what I wanted the blog to be, and who I wanted the audience to be and what I wanted to get from the experience.
I made a few decisions. The truth is that I am on some sort of spiritual journey right now. Call it whatever you want…an awakening, an identity crisis, a search for meaning and passion and purpose, a questioning of past ideas and beliefs…but whatever it is, it is big. It is what I think about, it is what I want to talk about and it is what I want to write about. I’m inspired by too many things to name and more than that, I care about the rest of humanity in a way that is new to me. So I’m going to write about the stuff that gets me going, the things I find that make me think about something new or somehow change my perspective, and I’m going to share my journey, the good and the bad. If you don’t like it, or you’re bored by that, don’t read it. If, like me, you find yourself wanting more out of life and you too are seeking, enjoy and share your story with me.
I recently finished reading The Dance of the Dissident Daughter by Sue Monk Kidd. It was life-changing in many ways. I wanted to mark passages and share the insights I found with anyone who was willing to talk about it. I’m sure as time goes on, I’ll share more of what I learned, but for now I’ll leave you with this quote that sums up so much of Kidd’s message…
“The ultimate authority of my life…is not confined between the covers of a book. It is not something written by men and frozen in time. It is not from a source outside myself. My ultimate authority is the divine voice in my own soul. Period.”
~Sue Monk Kidd
The Dance of the Dissident Daughter, pg 76
Until later…
Posted in Anxiety, Blogging, Fear, Feminism, Religion, Writing | Tagged: awakening, blog, Fear, identity crisis, reading, spiritual journey, Sue Monk Kidd, The Dance of the Dissident Daughter, writing | 6 Comments »
Posted by Jenny on April 12, 2011
It’s my birthday, and if you’ve read my blog before you know how much I love my birthday. The truth is I love any occasion where I get presents, but my birthday is the bestest of all because it’s just about me, and I love attention almost as much as I love presents.
My birthday seems like a good day to update you on a few things. I know you’re wondering how I’m doing on those New Year’s Resolutions, if I’m still coping without my therapist, if the Church has started ex-communication hearings based on my radical thinking, etc, etc…
I’ll start with the New Year’s Resolutions. I just looked back at what they were, which is not a promising way to start this update. I can say I haven’t completely abandoned all of them, but haven’t stayed committed to all either. I did say I was going to train to do the Half Marathon again this year (which is less than 3 weeks away). I got off to a good start. I was up to running 4 miles by the end of February and then my knee started bothering me. It was hurting more than usual and it was giving out while I was running. I tried ice, I tried a brace, I tried taking a couple of weeks off, I tried running on a treadmill instead of outside, nothing seemed to be working. I had pretty much given up on doing the race, but things have turned around in the past few weeks. I can run on the treadmill as long as I don’t talk, look around, wipe my face, or take a drink. It’s kind of funny actually, but as long as I’m looking straight ahead and completely focused I’m good. In fact I ran almost 8 miles a couple of weeks ago. So I’m almost caught up to the training schedule. Still not sure how the race will go. I plan on trying to run outside this week so we’ll see. I wanted to do more yoga but that hasn’t happened. I’ve been averaging about one class a week. I still love it and would like to go more often, but most of my workouts have been running with the Flying Pig getting so close. Hopefully after the race I’ll be able to get to yoga a bit more. I wanted to write more blog posts in the new year, but that has not happened. There are a couple of reasons. First of all I just haven’t had the time. I could find the time of course, other things have just kept me busy the last few months, so blogging hasn’t been a priority. Also, I find a lot of the time that I want to write about things that are really deep or subjects that might be controversial or share some insight I’ve had on this “spiritual journey” I’m taking, and I still get nervous about what the reaction will be. There is still this fear that people don’t want to hear about the serious stuff, or they don’t care, and then I tell myself it’s arrogant to think that anyone really cares one way or the other and if they don’t like it they don’t have to read it and then I start questioning why I do it in the first place. Obviously, I’m still crazy. Anyway, sometimes the nerves get the best of me, sometimes they don’t. Finally, I mentioned that I would like to get my yoga teacher training certificate. I have made some progress here. I found a program at Cincinnati State. I could start in the fall and be finished in a school year. I would only have classes a couple of afternoons a week and it would all be while my girls are in school. I do think this program will focus more on the physical aspect of yoga than the spiritual and I feel a little conflicted about that. I would like to learn more about the entire philosophy, but this is the most convenient for me and my family right now and I think it’s a great place to start. If I love it as much as I think I will, there are limitless opportunities for continuing education in the future.
I have now been free of my therapist for almost three months and it’s been fine. She always said that the goal of therapy should be to someday stop needing therapy, that it can go on too long and get to a point where you are just going to talk or using it as a crutch and there really is no measurable benefit. I think the end came at a good time for me. I still use the tools and advice she gave me and there are times when I wish I could run something by her just to get an objective opinion, but I haven’t yet felt like I really needed her. I can also say that my experience in therapy was so positive that I wouldn’t hesitate to do it again if I ever got to a point where I needed it.
Finally, there’s Church. I do worry what people who I go to church with think about some of the things I’ve said. I don’t worry enough to wish I didn’t say them, but what I worry about is that I was misunderstood or that my intention wasn’t clear. I worry that people who are upset by what I’ve written didn’t really read what I said carefully, that they let their emotions about an issue cloud their perception of my post. That in reality what I’ve said isn’t so radical and if you think about the points I made, you can see that we want the same things, we just might differ in how we believe they will happen. In all honesty I can tell you that I feel better about my place in the Church and about my own spirituality than I ever have and I do know in my head and in my heart that is what matters, but I’m human and I still struggle with that fear.
Overall, it’s been a great birthday and I feel good about where I am right now. I made a commitment well over a year ago to take care of myself…mind, body, and spirit…and to make that a priority for the rest of my life. I think I’ve kept that commitment. I feel better than I ever have…Thirty-Eight is going to be fabulous!!
Until later…
Posted in Anxiety, Blogging, Catholic, Exercise, Fear, Gifts, Healing, Hot Yoga, Marathon, Motherhood, New Year's Resolutions, Religion, Teaching, The Flying Pig, Therapy, Writing | Tagged: Anxiety, birthday, blog, Cincinnati State, crazy, Gifts, hot yoga, intention, New Year's Resolutions, running, writing, yoga | 2 Comments »
Posted by Jenny on March 7, 2011
My kids don’t know how to tie their shoes…
There I said it! That was painful to admit, but sadly true, at least it was true before last night.
Yes, I am one of “those moms” who does everything for their kids because it’s faster and easier and less messy than teaching them to do it themselves. I pour their drinks and pack their lunches and check their backpacks and hang up their coats…and YES, I tie their shoes. It’s pathetic really, I know it is, but I have a serious lack of patience when it comes to teaching my kids simple tasks. In my mind these tasks are so simple that I know trying to teach them will be an exercise in frustration because it just won’t be that simple for them. There will be tears and cursing and hurt feelings and messes, at least I assume there will be, I don’t really know because we’ve never actually had these lessons. By the way, I was an actual teacher for a very short time, I sucked!
So, back to shoe tying…Addy is 9, in the 4th grade, and I tie her gym shoes before school every day. At some point a few years back, someone attempted to teach her and she got the basics, but never the opportunity to practice the skill, because of course I couldn’t stand how long it took and how loosely they were tied, so I just jumped in and did it for her. Avery is 7 and in 1st grade, Reilly is 6 and in kindergarten and both have expressed a desire to learn, but once again, I hadn’t found anyone willing to do it, and I wasn’t going to take it on myself. (FYI, I also didn’t teach any of the three to ride a two-wheeler, that right there is pure Hell. I’m pretty sure I still owe my neighbor something for that.) A few weeks back I was telling Tom that the girls all needed new gym shoes. He said that was fine, but they all needed shoes that tied (no velcro) and they weren’t going to wear them until they could tie them without my help. YIKES!! That is just not like him to lay down the law like that. I mean, really, what was he saying? Teaching our children basic life skills such as shoe tying and drink pouring and coat hanging is part of our parental responsibility? Slow down mister, I did not sign up for this…
I thought about it and ultimately realized he may be right. I hear Occupational Therapy is costly, and I doubt insurance covers it in cases like this. We made a plan…pizza night, then “Learning To Tie Your Shoes Party”, then ice cream, then watch a movie together. A friend even designed a certificate for their accomplishment. We were all set. Unfortunately, the pizza dinner did not go well. Everyone was crabby and exhausted and I don’t want to do this stuff when we’re all happy, so I wasn’t about to attempt it in this state. We postponed the big event until last night. I can honestly say I was dreading this more than the “sex talk”. We had our pizza. Tom had bought some sugary treats to bribe reward the girls (and mommy) for their success. I went upstairs to manage bath time. While Avery was soaking in the tub, Tom taught Reilly. Before Avery was out of the tub, Reilly had run upstairs to announce that she had done it. Then, he taught Avery while Reilly was bathing. Piece of cake!! After Addy’s bath, it was her turn. I thought I should give it a try. As much as I didn’t want to, Tom had done the other two and besides that, Addy is the oldest, so she should have been easy. We sat down on the floor and she put on her shoe. I asked her to show me what she already knew. She totally tied her shoe, and she did it fairly quickly. I’m not saying it couldn’t have been tighter, but it was good enough. That little shit knew all along she could , she just wanted me to do it for her. I had let this go on for too long because of my laziness and she never fessed up to knowing how because of hers. Overall, the “Learning How To Tie Your Shoes” party was a success. I did think it would provide more material for the blog, but I guess I should be grateful that it didn’t. The girls learned a new skill, we had candy and ice cream, and we all sat on the couch together and watched “Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone”. It was a fantastic night!
They didn’t wear gym shoes today, but they will for school tomorrow. We’ll see how they do. Let’s hope they do it quickly, because I won’t be able to stop myself from taking over if they’re so slow they might miss the bus. Maybe our next party will be “Learning How To Get Yourself A Drink”.
Until later…
Posted in Blogging, Childrearing, Kids, Life Skills, Motherhood, Teaching, The Weekend | Tagged: gym shoes, Harry Potter, life skills, mommy fail, Occupational Therapy, parenting fail, party, patience, pizza, shoe-tying, success, teaching | 4 Comments »
Posted by Jenny on February 11, 2011
So, my therapist deserted me. I was there for an appointment in November and after about 45 minutes of me sharing all the nonsense going on in my head, she said she had to tell me something. It went something like this…
After 20-some years of doing this, I thought I’d heard it all, but Jenny, you are one crazy bitch. I can’t help you and I don’t think there is anyone out there who can, so basically, you are on your own, from here on out.
Alright, that wasn’t exactly how it went down. Actually, she told me she was retiring at the end of January and we would have to use our last couple of sessions to wrap things up and make a decision about whether or not I should continue therapy with someone else, or try to go without for a while.
When she told me, I was okay with it. In fact, as I was driving there I had actually thought to myself that she was probably close to retirement, so I wasn’t all that surprised when she broke the news. I was sad, mostly because I like her and I was going to miss her, but I wasn’t really worried about being without a therapist. I had this whole “life” thing figured out. I had been thinking about weaning myself off anyway. We scheduled two more appointments, one in December and one in January.
Fast forward to mid-December, I went to what was supposed to have been my second to last appointment and basically whined and cried the whole time. I was pretty sure my thyroid was out of whack which always makes me feel horrible, but part of feeling horrible is anxiety and depression so I never really know for sure if it’s physical or mental. I was in the midst of blood work and doctor’s appointments trying to get it all straightened out, but in the meantime we agreed that I might need an extra therapy session or two. I was a little better by my next appointment, but still kind of weepy for no good reason. She was sharing with me how difficult it was to say good-bye to all of her patients. She was worried about some of them and then others she thought were ready and would be fine. Through my tears and runny nose I commented that when she had told me about her retirement I thought I would be one of the patients who was ready to end therapy, and she laughed and said, “So did I.”
Of course, as it turned out, my thyroid was low and the doctor did adjust my medication, so by the time I had my last therapy appointment I really was feeling better. I did cry when we said good-bye, but I wasn’t so worried that I wouldn’t be able to handle life without her.
The three days after that last visit were some of the most difficult and exhausting I’ve had in a long time. I was pretty sure I needed to call and get a referral for a new therapist, but I didn’t. Instead I tried to remember all the things I learned from her, everything I learned about myself and all the tools that I now have to get through the stress, and I handled it.
Here are a few of the biggest and best lessons from my 17 months of therapy…
- More often than not, great change comes from great pain. Those times when life seems unmanageable and we are feeling really low, are actually full of opportunity. We can choose to wallow in self-pity, and blame others or we can figure out what we need to do to be better, and if we really want to be better, we have to make big changes. In other words, “If you always do what you’ve always done, you’ll always get, what you always got.”
- When we are make big changes in our lives, people that we are close to won’t always like it. Some relationships will be tested, some will end up stronger, some will come to an end. What’s important for me is that I am true to myself from now on and no longer compromising what is important to me to make someone else happy. I am not responsible for anyone’s happiness but my own. This one has been difficult, to say the least.
- Balance is extremely important for me. Balancing my roles of wife, mom, friend, woman and having the room in my life to be all of those things. Balancing how I spend my time…quiet or noise, work or fun, family or friends, alone or with others.
- The biggest thing I learned was that I have to take care of myself…mind, body, spirit. At the end of every session, she would ask, “What do you need?” Wow, I had never lived my life from that perspective and I certainly don’t know many people who do, especially moms. It seems so selfish. What’s funny though, is that when I do the things I need for me, I am better able to care for the people I love. There’s more peace in the house and not only do I have more energy to deal with all that raising three kids entails, I actually want to do all those things. The resentment and the frustration and the desire to get out of the chaos and lock myself in the bathroom are gone. I’m not saying I never feel those things anymore, I do. I get busy and I skip yoga for a while or I don’t write for a couple of weeks or we have a snow day that screws up my routine and I fall back into old habits. But when I’m consistent about having quiet time each day and writing often and exercising several times a week, everything else seems to fall into place. Here’s an even greater side effect of taking care of myself…I am thinking more about what I can do for others. Ultimately, taking the time for me has made me less selfish. I think a lot more about my purpose in life. What gift do I have to share with others? What am I going to do to make the world better, even if it’s something small? I have a few ideas about who and how I’d like to help, I just have to work out the details.
Obviously, I don’t have all the answers, and I’m sure I never will, but I think I’m heading in the right direction. So, I’m going to try life without a shrink for a while. At the very least it will be interesting, and if I take a wrong turn and need help, I can find someone else for the job. Wish me luck, we’ll see how it goes.
Until later…
Posted in Anxiety, Blogging, Childrearing, Depression, Exercise, Friends, Gifts, Healing, Hot Yoga, Hypothyroidism, Kids, Meditation, Motherhood, Recovery, Stress, Therapy, Writing | Tagged: Anxiety, blog, change, Depression, Gifts, hot yoga, Kids, love, meditation, mental illness, relax, running, Stress, therapist, therapy, writing, yoga | 2 Comments »
Posted by Jenny on January 5, 2011
I don’t know about the rest of you, but I’m having a hard time getting motivated for all of my New Year’s projects. Forget about blogging, meditating, running, or yoga, I’m barely getting the dishes and laundry done. There are still Christmas gifts to put away, for crying out loud!!
I did force myself to go out and run Monday and Tuesday, but now my shins are killing me. Why would that happen? I ran a lot last year without shin splints and my runs this week were really short in comparison to what I did in the past. I’ve done some internet self-diagnosis and treatment planning and I’m thinking I shouldn’t run again until the pain is gone!! WebMD says that could take two weeks. That is not good news for half-marathon training. So yoga for sure tomorrow, maybe the stretching will help.
I’m also having a hard time adjusting to the back-to-school schedule. We stayed up late and slept in for over two weeks. Getting up at 6:45 is killing me. As soon as the kids get on the bus, I want to get back in bed. Instead of my normal 20 minute power nap, I’ve been sleeping more like 2 hours and then I stay up too late and set myself up for the same thing the next day.
On top of those factors, there are two other things keeping me from being productive. One is the book I’m reading. Have you read The Hunger Games by Suzanne Collins? Holy crap, I can’t stop. It’s a trilogy and I’m almost finished with the second book, Catching Fire. It’s been a long time since I read something that I couldn’t put down, and I gotta tell you, these books are getting in the way of a lot of things I should be doing. The other thing that keeps distracting me is the new Oprah Network, OWN. Every time I turn on the TV, I get sucked into a show about hoarding, or Oprah behind-the-scenes. Today I watched an old “Trading Spaces” that I’m sure I saw 8 years ago when it was on the 1st time. They also keep running this guide to OWN, which is basically an hour-long infomercial about all the new shows and I think I’ve watched it three times. It’s exactly the same thing every time!!! WTF?? I feel like a total couch potato (more like a bed potato, because most of this inactivity takes place in my room). This is really not like me at all. Here’s hoping that thyroid medicine kicks in and I get my mojo back!! If that’s not the key, I better learn to like Red Bull.
Until later…
Posted in Blogging, Christmas, Exercise, Holidays, Hot Yoga, Hypothyroidism, Marathon, Meditation, Napping, New Year's Resolutions, The Flying Pig, Writing | Tagged: blog, Catching Fire, couch potato, crazy, hot yoga, Hunger Games, meditation, napping, Oprah, OWN, running, shin splints, Suzanne Collins, writing, yoga | 3 Comments »
Posted by Jenny on January 2, 2011
There’s no question that 2010 was all about trying new things for me. I probably took more risks and tried more new activities in 2010 than I had in the 37 years prior.
A brief recap…
- Started a blog
- Began jogging for the first time in my life
- Started drinking coffee (not really an accomplishment, I know, but it was new for me and became very important in my life
)
- Tried Zip-lining
- Ran a half-marathon, 10K, and two 5K’s (in that order)
- Started going to yoga and eventually became hooked on Hot Yoga
- Went para-sailing
- Served on a jury for over 2 weeks
- Did a 30-Day Hot Yoga challenge (completed 22 classes in 30 days)
- Completed a 21-Day meditation challenge
Wow, I’m even a little impressed by that list. What’s sad is that I didn’t end the year as triumphantly as it began. From about Thanksgiving on, I let the craziness of the holidays get the better of me. Besides all the shopping, wrapping, baking, cooking, cleaning and mailing of cards and gifts, I also hosted Thanksgiving for 40 people, led the 4th grade class in a school wide service project for the Ronald McDonald house, and survived 2 snow days during the kids last week of school before break. On top of all that, I felt like crap for most of the month which led to blood work, then what seemed like 27 phone calls with the doctor’s office, then an actual appointment, and finally an increase in my thyroid medication which is what I knew I needed all along. So although I truly do love Christmas and everything that comes with it, I did let the stress get me down this year. What also happened was that I quit doing all of those things that keep me sane – writing, running, yoga, meditating. And, my therapist told me she’s retiring at the end of January, so I only have 2 more appointments (can I do it without her?) Basically that means that when 2010 ended I was just as messed up as I was when it started. The good news is, that I know what to do to make 2011 even better!!
I’ve never been one to make New Year’s resolutions, but it feels like the right thing to do this year. I also know that when I write things down or share them with other people, I’m more likely to follow through. So, here goes…
In 2011, I’m going to run the Flying Pig half-marathon for the 2nd time. I’m going to get a better time than last year which was 2 hrs, 45 min. My goal is to be closer to 10 min miles. I would also like to be more committed to my yoga practice. I never felt better than I did during the 30-day challenge. Finally, I want to write more. I love doing the blog, and I’m going to commit to writing two posts a week, and hope to do even more.
There’s one more thing I’m seriously thinking about, but I don’t know if this is the year, so I don’t want to claim it as a resolution. I really want to become a certified yoga teacher. I can’t get the idea out of my head and I have looked into the training programs available. It’s not outrageously expensive and it can be done in as little as 4 months or spread out as long as 2 years. There are a few things holding me back, but mostly it’s my own fear and doubt…I haven’t been doing yoga long enough, I’m not good enough at yoga to teach it, I won’t fit in with the other students, I’m not as thin as any other yoga teacher I’ve ever met, do I really want to give up my weekends to go back to school. We just finished paying off my student loans for a degree I’ve never really used, should I spend another $2000 on my education? I know that none of those reasons should stop me if it’s what I want to do, but like I said, I have to figure out if now is the time to do it, or should I wait?
Basically, I’m re-committing myself to staying healthy (mind, body, spirit). I have some plans, that’s for sure, but I’m open to new opportunities that pop up along the way, as well. I can’t wait to see what’s next.
Until later…
Posted in 2011, 30-Day Hot Yoga Challenge, 5K, Anxiety, Back to School, Blogging, Body Image, Christmas, Community Service, Exercise, Extreme Sports, Fear, Holidays, Hot Yoga, Hypothyroidism, Kids, Marathon, Meditation, Motherhood, New Year's Resolutions, Stress, The Flying Pig, Writing, Zipline | Tagged: 2011, Anxiety, blog, crazy, Fear, hot yoga, intention, Kids, latte, meditation, mental illness, New Year's Resolutions, running, shopping, Starbucks, Stress, writing, yoga, yoga teacher training | 2 Comments »
Posted by Jenny on November 2, 2010
October has ended, so now you get to hear all about my 30-Day Hot Yoga Challenge. I’m sure you’ve been dying to know how it went.
September was gone in the blink of an eye because of jury duty (which included very little exercise, too much junk food, and LOTS of caffeine), so I figured I needed to do something crazy in October to get myself back on track and motivated again. I saw that my yoga studio was doing a 30-day challenge and it sounded like just what I needed. For $120 you put your name up on the big board to track your progress, you can go to a class every day the month of October and if you complete a minimum of 22 classes, you are entered into a drawing for a 6-month unlimited pass. They also promised it would change your life…or something like that. Here’s the blurb from the website:
Imagine a svelte, calm, and more balanced you. 30 Days of consistent classes (any classes on the schedule) will set up a discipline. For your mind, and for your body. It will set up your expectations and help you find a way to better fit yoga into your life on a regular basis. It will refresh and renew your body.
Sounds fantastic doesn’t it?? Too good to be true?? Maybe, but I had done enough yoga, and I knew from experience that 21 days of any behavior leads to a habit, so I was going to give it a shot. I realize the fact that I could even consider participating was a luxury that most moms don’t have, but just because I had the time, didn’t mean committing to and completing the challenge was easy. It meant giving up about 3 hours every day to sweat my ass off and workout. It meant choosing discomfort over sitting on my bed and writing a blog post. It meant choosing something that was solely for me and my own physical, mental, and spiritual health and neglecting things that should have been on my to-do list, like cleaning my house. Not many women I know would make a choice like that, there would be guilt and stress about chores that weren’t getting done and it would feel way too selfish. I do get that, I can tell you honestly, that a year or two ago, I wouldn’t have done it either.
I knew when I signed up, that I couldn’t do all 30 days. I have two girls who play soccer every Saturday and Sundays can be really busy too. I let myself off the hook for the weekends, I had to…that would have caused stress for all of us. I hoped to make it to 26 classes, but I decided that if I only did 22, I was okay with that (perfection is way over-rated).
I’m happy and proud to tell you that I made it to 22 Hot Yoga classes in October and I truly have never felt better. I made it almost every weekday and 4 out of 5 Sundays, so most of the month I was going 6 days a week. Some days were harder than others. There were definitely mornings when I didn’t want to go, but I did. There were classes that were more difficult than others, but I always finished.
It’s hard for me to describe exactly how it changed me. I feel it so profoundly, yet I’m struggling to put it into words. I feel overwhelming peace and calm. That probably sounds unrealistic to you, but to me it’s not really adequate. There is a quietness inside of me, I don’t have the crazy, paranoid nonsense in my head all the time, I’m not constantly running through lists of what needs to be done. I’m perfectly okay with not getting things done. I think more before I speak, so I think the quietness is external too. I also think before I do anything. I don’t make any plans without really considering whether or not it works for me and my family, and I’m okay to cut something out of the schedule if it doesn’t work.
There have been physical changes, as well. I didn’t lose a single pound, which is surprising with all the sweating, but I definitely built some muscle. I can see it mostly in my arms and legs. I know I’ve built more core strength. I can actually feel muscles in my abdomen which is new to me (pretty sure, however, that they will never be visible after carrying 3 babies). I see the biggest difference in my waist. I have always had a very straight boy-like figure, even when I’ve been thin, and I can actually see definition in my waist. I honestly didn’t think that was possible. I’ve also gained some flexibility. I am able to go deeper into most of the poses than I was at the beginning of the month. I can’t believe my body can do this!! The other thing is that I have a body awareness that I never possessed before. This is also really difficult for me to describe…I’ll try. I’ve never really been able to control how my body moves, nor have I been comfortable with it. But the slow, controlled movements of yoga and the discipline it takes to breathe correctly and make minor adjustments to different body parts and muscle groups to really do a pose accurately have changed that. All of the poses require you to be conscious of several parts of your body, the instructors are constantly reminding you to tuck your tailbone in, square your hips to the mirror, tuck your chin, flex your feet, etc, etc. The more you practice, the better you get. Before yoga I couldn’t even relax my wrist when I was getting a hand massage during a manicure. The nail tech would tell me over and over to relax and I literally couldn’t do it.
I am hooked! I actually find myself doing yoga poses in the middle of the day at home, just because the stretch feels so good. I actually haven’t been to a class since Thursday because Halloween weekend festivities took over for a few days, and I miss it terribly. I know I can’t continue to go 6 days a week, it’s too much time, but I’m hopeful that I will stay committed to at least 2 or 3 classes a week, and I would consider another 30 day challenge somewhere down the road.
I really do wish I could get everyone I know to do yoga…hot or not…for so many reasons. First of all, anyone can do it. Size, shape, flexibility and fitness level truly do not matter at all. Yoga is all about doing what works for you, making modifications for your body and ability, and all of the instructors I have met are extremely kind and really do want to help you. Second of all, it is completely non-competitive. I didn’t believe that when I started, but it is true. I do look around sometimes, especially if we are doing a new pose and I don’t quite understand what I’m supposed to do, and sometimes I’m in awe of what other students are capable of, but I never feel inadequate, and I never wish to be where they are. There are still classes where I get too tired and have to take child’s pose for a bit to rest and I don’t ever get embarrassed about it. I know I’m doing my best and listening to my body.
I think I could practice yoga for the rest of my life and always love it!! Give it a try, I know you’ll love it too!!
Until later…
Posted in 30-Day Hot Yoga Challenge, Blogging, Body Image, Exercise, Hot Yoga, Meditation, Stress, The Weekend, Writing | Tagged: Anxiety, blog, body awareness, caffiene, calm, hot yoga, junk food, jury duty, Kids, meditation, peace, Stress, yoga | 2 Comments »
Posted by Jenny on October 27, 2010
Whoever said I would be bored once all of my kids were in school was crazy. In fact, I think it was the other way around…I was bored when my kids were home. YIKES…that sounds bad, even to me. Let me clarify…
I have always been grateful for the fact that I could stay home with my girls. I always recognized that it was a privilege that a lot of women didn’t have. I always knew it was the best decision for me and my entire family. But, let’s face it, a lot of the time I was doing the same things over and over and over without much thought. Get up, fix breakfast, break up fights, calm tantrums, fix lunch, break up fights, kiss a boo-boo, fix dinner, break up fights, bathe kids, put them to bed, collapse. Throw in some errands when I was feeling brave, maybe have a friend over to play, do a craft or game once or twice a year, and that pretty much sums it up. I was busy and I never felt like I was accomplishing anything, but it was monotonous and although the years flew by, the days seemed to drag on forever at times. The truth is, I’m just not very good at playing with my kids, I never loved going to the park or the zoo, and like I said, I’d rather have a sharp stick in the eye than get out the play-doh or sit down for a game of “Candyland”. My kids are far more entertained at school than they are with me.
Two months have passed since my three babies left all together on that big yellow bus for the first time and I have never been busier. The thing is that I love all of the things that keep me busy now. I had jury duty in September for a couple of weeks which was absolutely fascinating (still intending to write a post on that), I am almost finished with my 30-day hot yoga challenge (so many changes I can’t wait to share), and I meditate every morning for at least 10 minutes. I try to work on the blog a little each day, which sometimes means reading other blogs for inspiration or joining a group to network and learn more. I’ve also been to lunch with friends a few times, and I volunteer at school more than ever before (but not too much) and I really enjoy it, which is especially surprising. I keep up with the important things like dishes and laundry, and I put things away more than before, but my house still isn’t really clean and I haven’t cooked those healthy and delicious meals I was planning, but with all the yoga and meditating I’m doing, I don’t really care. Earlier tonight I was making a to-do list for things that need to be done this week to be ready for Halloween weekend, and I truly do not have time while the girls are at school Wednesday and Thursday (random day off on Friday 
) to get it all done.
There are times I think about getting a job, but not because I’m bored…only because I’m redefining my dreams and expectations and I’m willing to try something new. I don’t think I’ll be bored ever again, at least not until school gets out for the summer.
Until later…
Posted in Back to School, Blogging, Childrearing, Exercise, Freedom, Friends, Gratitude, Hot Yoga, Kids, Meditation, Motherhood | Tagged: blog, boredom, crazy, Gratitude, growing up, hot yoga, Kids, meditation, SAHM, summer, yoga | 3 Comments »
Posted by Jenny on September 11, 2010
Lately I’ve been feeling kind of stuck when it comes to my blog. Every once in a while something happens and I know it will make a good story, but a lot of days I don’t know what to write. I’ve been thinking about this a lot over the summer and especially over the last couple weeks, now that the girls are in school and here is what I realized. I have information and ideas I want to share, new things I’m doing and learning, stories I want to tell, goals for the immediate future, and of course things in my life that aren’t going as I hoped or planned, areas where I’m still struggling and trying to find balance. The problem is that I’ve gotten scared again.
When I started this, it was because I wanted to write. I wanted to write honestly about my life, the good and the bad. I wanted to share some of my difficulties and insecurities in the hopes that someone out there could relate and I wouldn’t feel so isolated, that maybe I could even help someone else to not feel so alone. It was also meant to be part of my own therapy and healing. Sometimes just saying something out loud or writing it down, no matter how crazy it is, makes it better. Those things that we hold inside for fear of being judged often lose their power over us once we share them with others. I’ve worked so hard over the past year to be healthy and happy and peaceful and I wanted to share some of the things that work for me and hopefully learn from others how they do it. Obviously, I knew when I started that other people would read it and comment and make judgments, but my intention was for it to always be a place where I could say whatever I wanted, express however I was feeling, a place where I could be me.
In the beginning, I wasn’t really sure if I would share it with people I know, mostly because I was insecure about my writing. I told my sister first, then gradually shared it with a few close friends. It took me three months to find the courage to publicize on facebook. At that point lots of people I knew would read it. I was ready. I was feeling more confident about my writing and I had lots of ideas. What I didn’t expect is that it would be more difficult for me, once there were 260 potential readers, (some very good friends, some family, some casual acquaintances, some people from my past who I really know nothing about presently).
Nothing bad has happened since I did it, in fact it’s all been really good. Some of those facebook friends have commented and sent me messages and shared with me how much they relate. People that I see regularly now leave me comments and talk to me about things I’ve written. Really, no one has done or said anything at all to discourage me. What is happening is all in my head. I find that I’m censoring myself. I’ve started to worry about how my words, thoughts, and feelings are going to be interpreted. I’m Catholic and I am very active in my parish and in the school. A lot of my facebook friends are people from church and school. What if I say something that goes against the teachings of the church? Am I going to offend anyone? Are people going to decide they don’t like me (God forbid) when they realize I’m actually fairly liberal on a lot of issues? I would hate for something I shared on my blog to adversely effect my children at school in any way. Sometimes I’m frustrated about an interaction my child has had and I’m afraid to write about it. I worry that people will wonder if I’m talking about them or their child. I get overwhelmed at times with all the “jobs” I’ve willingly volunteered to do, but I don’t want anyone that I work with to think I’m complaining about them personally, or think that I don’t want to help, or worst of all, worry that I’m incompetent and can’t handle it. I hate when my crazy, paranoid self gets control!
The other thing that holds me back is that I want it to be good, and I want people to be entertained. I like to laugh and I really love to make people laugh, so I find myself trying to decide if what I want to write is going to be funny enough, and if it’s not funny is it interesting enough, is it smart enough? What if I share something that I’ve done and everyone thinks I’ve really gone nuts. All of this worrying surely isn’t helping me at all, and it’s definitely not what I intended to happen when I began.
Of course none of those things I’m worried about are even in my control. People might decide they don’t like me whether I write the blog or not. I could get into a civilized debate with a friend at Bible Study and they are going to realize that I question the Church’s teachings on certain issues. Truthfully, when I get frustrated, I don’t hide it well, so if you are lucky enough to volunteer with me, I won’t need to blog about it, because I will have said it out loud.
So, I’m going to get back to writing whatever I feel like writing on any given day. I want to talk about how I do everything for my kids and don’t really let them have any responsibilities in our house because I know I can do it better and I lack the patience to teach them. I want to vent about how frustrated I am with myself for being over-committed at school so quickly when I really wanted some time to myself. I plan to tell you about the “21-day Meditation Challenge” I have nearly completed (even though it may sound crazy to most of you), why I think it is important, and how I want to incorporate meditation into every day. I want to share books that I love and quotes that inspire me. I want to write about gratitude and forgiveness and finding a passion and living a life without regret. Mostly I want to continue talking about taking care of myself (mind, body, spirit), and how important I know it is for everyone. If there is one thing I know for sure, we are better people when our own souls are being fed…better mothers, fathers, husbands, wives, friends…and isn’t that what life should be about anyway…being better tomorrow than we are today?
Until later…
Posted in Anxiety, Back to School, Blogging, Fear, Forgiveness, Friends, Gratitude, Healing, Kids, Marriage, Motherhood, Stress, Writing | Tagged: 21-day meditation challenge, Anxiety, blog, blogging, cleaning, crazy, Depression, Fear, finding your passion, forgiveness, Gratitude, intention, Kids, liberal, meditation, patience, Stress, writing | 5 Comments »
Posted by Jenny on August 18, 2010
I’ve updated my favorite songs list over on the right. I realize I haven’t changed or updated that part of my blog much since I started and I thought the end of summer was the perfect time to do just that…
I’m a sucker for a sad song, especially when the lyrics are about unrequited love and broken hearts. Probably goes back to my teenage and young adult years, when I was fairly certain no one would ever love me as much as I loved them and I was bound to end up an old maid (really I got lots of material about that). So the first four are all pathetically sad love songs about trying to get over a broken heart, fighting to win back your one true love, facing regret for not doing enough, you get the idea. They also happen to be by artist’s I really love, which is how I found them in the first place. “Misery” is the latest single from Maroon 5. The album “Hands All Over” is due to be released in September. I think most of their stuff is sexy as hell and this one is no exception. The next song on the list is from P!nk. I just watched her on an Oprah episode from earlier this year and she sang “I Don’t Believe You”. I loved the honesty and vulnerability in the lyrics. Next up is “As She’s Walking Away” by Zac Brown Band. I think most of their music is really fun and his voice is intoxicating to me. This song is all about taking the chance when you get it and not letting a good one get away. It’s not really sad or melodramatic like the others. Finally, I added “The Man Who Can’t Be Moved” by The Script. I liked their earlier single “Breakeven”, which was on my list for the last couple of months, so when I saw they had a new one, I gave it a listen. It’s all about a guy who just can’t move on after losing the girl he loves. Really, it’s pretty ridiculous and completely unhealthy, but like I said, I’m a sucker for a sad song!!
After all that sad nonsense, I thought I’d include my new favorite dance song, “Club Can’t Handle Me” by Flo Rida. I heard this song weeks ago on “So You Think You Can Dance”. It’s featured in the movie “Step-Up 3D”, which was produced by one of the SYTYCD judges. So Flo Rida and some of the dancers from the movie performed on the show one week. I loved it!! In fact, I loved the entire performance so much, I decided I had to see the movie. For one thing, the lead actor is extremely hot, my favorite SYTYCD dancer was in it (Twitch), and really, who doesn’t love a great dance movie? (“Breakin’”, “Breakin’ 2, Electric Boogaloo”, “Footloose”, “Dirty Dancing”) You know you love them too!! Somehow I managed to find two friends (surprisingly they are my age, not teenagers) to go see it with me. The dancing was amazing, Twitch was everything I expected him to be, but the story was horrible and the 3D effects made me nauseous (old age, I think). I wouldn’t recommend the movie to my worst enemy, but I still love the song.
Finally, I added the latest Sugarland single “Stuck Like Glue”. It’s just one of those bubbly, fun, catchy as hell songs you can’t get out of your mind and it makes me feel happy when I listen to it. They were in town just a few days ago and I really wanted to see the show, but it didn’t work out…maybe next year!!
There are a few more worth mentioning, although I didn’t actually put them on the list, mostly because my 9-year-old was listening to them first and I should be embarrassed about admitting that. I’m not gonna lie though, I’m really enjoying “Bulletproof” by La Roux and “Airplanes” by B.o.B (feat. Hayley Williams).
I hope you enjoy my summer favorites, let me know what you’ve been listening to and loving this summer.
Until later…
Posted in Blogging, Celebrity Crush, iPod, Motherhood, Music | Tagged: B.o.B, blog, broken heart, favorite songs, Flo Rida, iPod, iTunes, La Roux, love songs, Maroon 5, music, P!nk, sad songs, Step Up 3D, summer, The Script, Twitch, unrequited love, Zac Brown Band | 8 Comments »
Posted by Jenny on August 15, 2010
It is 8 days, 7 hours, and 51 minutes until Tuesday, August 24, 2010 at 7:45:00 AM.
I bet you are wondering what happens then? All three of my girls will be getting on the school bus together for the first time and staying at school all day. Do you know what that means? Monday through Friday, I will have from 7:45 until 3:15 to do whatever I want.
It feels like I am starting a new chapter in motherhood. For the past nine years, I have taken care of my babies, my toddlers, my little girls every day, all day. It’s what I always wanted to do, and even if I haven’t always enjoyed it, I really did love it and I always felt privileged to be able to stay home with them. Here it is, nine really long, mind-numbing, sometimes monotonous years later, that have gone by in the blink of an eye. My babies are going to leave me every single day and it’s weird to think about them being gone all day five days a week and it’s really exciting and a bit scary and I still can’t believe it’s here already, but mostly I think it’s going to be really good for all of us.
I know people who sobbed and felt completely lost when their youngest child went to school and I know people who had parties to celebrate that first taste of freedom and I think my emotions fall somewhere in the middle. I made the decision several months ago to send Reilly to all-day kindergarten, even though her sisters only went for half-days. She was bored with me at home (I’m just not good at entertaining them), she has always acted older than she is (because she has big sisters), and honestly, I felt like I was ready for it and needed it too.
Some people think it’s selfish, and have told me so. People I don’t really know have even said it directly to me. Guess what? They are right, at least partially. I would be lying if I said that I wasn’t excited at the prospect of all those hours without my girls. I fantasize about the quiet. The idea that I can go to the grocery any day of the week, morning or afternoon, without a child makes me giddy. I can schedule therapy and haircuts and dentist appointments whenever. I can work out and shower and still have time for something else. I can take naps (I love naps!!). I’ll be able to wrap Christmas presents while the sun is out, instead of between 11:30pm and 2am, like I’ve done for the past nine years.
My Sweet Girls at 4, 2 & 1
Believe it or not, there is sadness too. We have had such a great summer. I love their ages, I love spending time with them, I love talking to them. It’s ironic isn’t it? They are finally old enough to be kind-of easy most of the time and now they leave. I would have given my right arm to put them all on a bus to school for seven hours a day when they were 4, 2 & 1!! The good news about it happening now is that I know I’m going to miss them…and absence makes the heart grow fonder, right? I know that I will be happy to see them when they get off the bus every day, that I will want to talk to them, that fixing them a snack or a drink won’t irritate me like it does now.
I have big plans for all this time, wanna hear them? From now on I’m going to have a clean house and cook nutritious and delicious meals every night, I’m going to edit, order, and organize the 30,000 pictures on my computer, go to yoga 2 times a week, run 3 times a week, spend 30 minutes a day meditating, have lunch with friends, take a nap every day, volunteer at school (but not too much, I don’t want to be that mom), finally catch up with all my old friends that I haven’t had time to talk to in years, actually read and complete all the tasks in The Artist’s Way, write at least 4 blog entries a week, you get the idea. All of a sudden, 7 1/2 hours a day doesn’t seem like much, does it?
I realize that’s crazy talk. There is no way I can do all of that and believing I can and should is what drove me to crazy-ville in the first place. The truth is, I will finally have the time to figure out exactly what I want to do. I will be able to make conscious decisions about what I want for myself and my family instead of just running through the to-do list on auto-pilot. I’ll be able to focus on what I need to be even healthier, happier, and more peaceful, and as I’ve said before, I truly believe that will make me a better wife, mother, and friend. I can’t wait to see where this new chapter takes me!
Until later…
Posted in Blogging, Freedom, Friends, Hot Yoga, Kids, Motherhood, Photography, The Artist's Way, Writing | Tagged: cleaning, crazy, exercise, freedom, growing up, Kids, love, Marriage, naps, running, school, shopping, yoga | 6 Comments »
