Archive for the ‘Anxiety’ Category
Posted by Jenny on August 31, 2011
It’s been a while since I posted anything on my blog, and surprisingly a few people have actually asked me when I was going to write again. There are many little things that had me stuck, but it all comes back to the same thing that always has me stuck when I get stuck and that’s FEAR!! I’ve written about it before…the fact that I get freaked out about so many people who I know from so many different times in my life reading my blog, but several specific things happened that had me re-evaluating the whole “publishing my private life online” thing again.
- As the blog got more serious I had one person say to me, “Get back to the funny stories about your kids, the whole spiritual journey thing’s been done a million times before and we’re bored with it.”
- I wrote about a couple of “controversial” topics (Planned Parenthood, religion,) and got into some heated debates publicly and privately.
- My mother-in-law googled me out of the blue one day and found my blog. I really didn’t like that.
- My mom joined Facebook, so she would probably see a post in her news feed and stumble upon the whole thing and read it. I really, really didn’t like that.
There were a few other random things that were said to me or discussions I had where I felt like someone was making fun of me, and all of it together just got to be too much and once again I was obsessing about what others think and I let it get to me.
I never wanted to give up on the blog and I continued finding topics to write about, I just had to spend some time really thinking about what I wanted the blog to be, and who I wanted the audience to be and what I wanted to get from the experience.
I made a few decisions. The truth is that I am on some sort of spiritual journey right now. Call it whatever you want…an awakening, an identity crisis, a search for meaning and passion and purpose, a questioning of past ideas and beliefs…but whatever it is, it is big. It is what I think about, it is what I want to talk about and it is what I want to write about. I’m inspired by too many things to name and more than that, I care about the rest of humanity in a way that is new to me. So I’m going to write about the stuff that gets me going, the things I find that make me think about something new or somehow change my perspective, and I’m going to share my journey, the good and the bad. If you don’t like it, or you’re bored by that, don’t read it. If, like me, you find yourself wanting more out of life and you too are seeking, enjoy and share your story with me.
I recently finished reading The Dance of the Dissident Daughter by Sue Monk Kidd. It was life-changing in many ways. I wanted to mark passages and share the insights I found with anyone who was willing to talk about it. I’m sure as time goes on, I’ll share more of what I learned, but for now I’ll leave you with this quote that sums up so much of Kidd’s message…
“The ultimate authority of my life…is not confined between the covers of a book. It is not something written by men and frozen in time. It is not from a source outside myself. My ultimate authority is the divine voice in my own soul. Period.”
~Sue Monk Kidd
The Dance of the Dissident Daughter, pg 76
Until later…
Posted in Anxiety, Blogging, Fear, Feminism, Religion, Writing | Tagged: awakening, blog, Fear, identity crisis, reading, spiritual journey, Sue Monk Kidd, The Dance of the Dissident Daughter, writing | 6 Comments »
Posted by Jenny on April 12, 2011
It’s my birthday, and if you’ve read my blog before you know how much I love my birthday. The truth is I love any occasion where I get presents, but my birthday is the bestest of all because it’s just about me, and I love attention almost as much as I love presents.
My birthday seems like a good day to update you on a few things. I know you’re wondering how I’m doing on those New Year’s Resolutions, if I’m still coping without my therapist, if the Church has started ex-communication hearings based on my radical thinking, etc, etc…
I’ll start with the New Year’s Resolutions. I just looked back at what they were, which is not a promising way to start this update. I can say I haven’t completely abandoned all of them, but haven’t stayed committed to all either. I did say I was going to train to do the Half Marathon again this year (which is less than 3 weeks away). I got off to a good start. I was up to running 4 miles by the end of February and then my knee started bothering me. It was hurting more than usual and it was giving out while I was running. I tried ice, I tried a brace, I tried taking a couple of weeks off, I tried running on a treadmill instead of outside, nothing seemed to be working. I had pretty much given up on doing the race, but things have turned around in the past few weeks. I can run on the treadmill as long as I don’t talk, look around, wipe my face, or take a drink. It’s kind of funny actually, but as long as I’m looking straight ahead and completely focused I’m good. In fact I ran almost 8 miles a couple of weeks ago. So I’m almost caught up to the training schedule. Still not sure how the race will go. I plan on trying to run outside this week so we’ll see. I wanted to do more yoga but that hasn’t happened. I’ve been averaging about one class a week. I still love it and would like to go more often, but most of my workouts have been running with the Flying Pig getting so close. Hopefully after the race I’ll be able to get to yoga a bit more. I wanted to write more blog posts in the new year, but that has not happened. There are a couple of reasons. First of all I just haven’t had the time. I could find the time of course, other things have just kept me busy the last few months, so blogging hasn’t been a priority. Also, I find a lot of the time that I want to write about things that are really deep or subjects that might be controversial or share some insight I’ve had on this “spiritual journey” I’m taking, and I still get nervous about what the reaction will be. There is still this fear that people don’t want to hear about the serious stuff, or they don’t care, and then I tell myself it’s arrogant to think that anyone really cares one way or the other and if they don’t like it they don’t have to read it and then I start questioning why I do it in the first place. Obviously, I’m still crazy. Anyway, sometimes the nerves get the best of me, sometimes they don’t. Finally, I mentioned that I would like to get my yoga teacher training certificate. I have made some progress here. I found a program at Cincinnati State. I could start in the fall and be finished in a school year. I would only have classes a couple of afternoons a week and it would all be while my girls are in school. I do think this program will focus more on the physical aspect of yoga than the spiritual and I feel a little conflicted about that. I would like to learn more about the entire philosophy, but this is the most convenient for me and my family right now and I think it’s a great place to start. If I love it as much as I think I will, there are limitless opportunities for continuing education in the future.
I have now been free of my therapist for almost three months and it’s been fine. She always said that the goal of therapy should be to someday stop needing therapy, that it can go on too long and get to a point where you are just going to talk or using it as a crutch and there really is no measurable benefit. I think the end came at a good time for me. I still use the tools and advice she gave me and there are times when I wish I could run something by her just to get an objective opinion, but I haven’t yet felt like I really needed her. I can also say that my experience in therapy was so positive that I wouldn’t hesitate to do it again if I ever got to a point where I needed it.
Finally, there’s Church. I do worry what people who I go to church with think about some of the things I’ve said. I don’t worry enough to wish I didn’t say them, but what I worry about is that I was misunderstood or that my intention wasn’t clear. I worry that people who are upset by what I’ve written didn’t really read what I said carefully, that they let their emotions about an issue cloud their perception of my post. That in reality what I’ve said isn’t so radical and if you think about the points I made, you can see that we want the same things, we just might differ in how we believe they will happen. In all honesty I can tell you that I feel better about my place in the Church and about my own spirituality than I ever have and I do know in my head and in my heart that is what matters, but I’m human and I still struggle with that fear.
Overall, it’s been a great birthday and I feel good about where I am right now. I made a commitment well over a year ago to take care of myself…mind, body, and spirit…and to make that a priority for the rest of my life. I think I’ve kept that commitment. I feel better than I ever have…Thirty-Eight is going to be fabulous!!
Until later…
Posted in Anxiety, Blogging, Catholic, Exercise, Fear, Gifts, Healing, Hot Yoga, Marathon, Motherhood, New Year's Resolutions, Religion, Teaching, The Flying Pig, Therapy, Writing | Tagged: Anxiety, birthday, blog, Cincinnati State, crazy, Gifts, hot yoga, intention, New Year's Resolutions, running, writing, yoga | 2 Comments »
Posted by Jenny on February 11, 2011
So, my therapist deserted me. I was there for an appointment in November and after about 45 minutes of me sharing all the nonsense going on in my head, she said she had to tell me something. It went something like this…
After 20-some years of doing this, I thought I’d heard it all, but Jenny, you are one crazy bitch. I can’t help you and I don’t think there is anyone out there who can, so basically, you are on your own, from here on out.
Alright, that wasn’t exactly how it went down. Actually, she told me she was retiring at the end of January and we would have to use our last couple of sessions to wrap things up and make a decision about whether or not I should continue therapy with someone else, or try to go without for a while.
When she told me, I was okay with it. In fact, as I was driving there I had actually thought to myself that she was probably close to retirement, so I wasn’t all that surprised when she broke the news. I was sad, mostly because I like her and I was going to miss her, but I wasn’t really worried about being without a therapist. I had this whole “life” thing figured out. I had been thinking about weaning myself off anyway. We scheduled two more appointments, one in December and one in January.
Fast forward to mid-December, I went to what was supposed to have been my second to last appointment and basically whined and cried the whole time. I was pretty sure my thyroid was out of whack which always makes me feel horrible, but part of feeling horrible is anxiety and depression so I never really know for sure if it’s physical or mental. I was in the midst of blood work and doctor’s appointments trying to get it all straightened out, but in the meantime we agreed that I might need an extra therapy session or two. I was a little better by my next appointment, but still kind of weepy for no good reason. She was sharing with me how difficult it was to say good-bye to all of her patients. She was worried about some of them and then others she thought were ready and would be fine. Through my tears and runny nose I commented that when she had told me about her retirement I thought I would be one of the patients who was ready to end therapy, and she laughed and said, “So did I.”
Of course, as it turned out, my thyroid was low and the doctor did adjust my medication, so by the time I had my last therapy appointment I really was feeling better. I did cry when we said good-bye, but I wasn’t so worried that I wouldn’t be able to handle life without her.
The three days after that last visit were some of the most difficult and exhausting I’ve had in a long time. I was pretty sure I needed to call and get a referral for a new therapist, but I didn’t. Instead I tried to remember all the things I learned from her, everything I learned about myself and all the tools that I now have to get through the stress, and I handled it.
Here are a few of the biggest and best lessons from my 17 months of therapy…
- More often than not, great change comes from great pain. Those times when life seems unmanageable and we are feeling really low, are actually full of opportunity. We can choose to wallow in self-pity, and blame others or we can figure out what we need to do to be better, and if we really want to be better, we have to make big changes. In other words, “If you always do what you’ve always done, you’ll always get, what you always got.”
- When we are make big changes in our lives, people that we are close to won’t always like it. Some relationships will be tested, some will end up stronger, some will come to an end. What’s important for me is that I am true to myself from now on and no longer compromising what is important to me to make someone else happy. I am not responsible for anyone’s happiness but my own. This one has been difficult, to say the least.
- Balance is extremely important for me. Balancing my roles of wife, mom, friend, woman and having the room in my life to be all of those things. Balancing how I spend my time…quiet or noise, work or fun, family or friends, alone or with others.
- The biggest thing I learned was that I have to take care of myself…mind, body, spirit. At the end of every session, she would ask, “What do you need?” Wow, I had never lived my life from that perspective and I certainly don’t know many people who do, especially moms. It seems so selfish. What’s funny though, is that when I do the things I need for me, I am better able to care for the people I love. There’s more peace in the house and not only do I have more energy to deal with all that raising three kids entails, I actually want to do all those things. The resentment and the frustration and the desire to get out of the chaos and lock myself in the bathroom are gone. I’m not saying I never feel those things anymore, I do. I get busy and I skip yoga for a while or I don’t write for a couple of weeks or we have a snow day that screws up my routine and I fall back into old habits. But when I’m consistent about having quiet time each day and writing often and exercising several times a week, everything else seems to fall into place. Here’s an even greater side effect of taking care of myself…I am thinking more about what I can do for others. Ultimately, taking the time for me has made me less selfish. I think a lot more about my purpose in life. What gift do I have to share with others? What am I going to do to make the world better, even if it’s something small? I have a few ideas about who and how I’d like to help, I just have to work out the details.
Obviously, I don’t have all the answers, and I’m sure I never will, but I think I’m heading in the right direction. So, I’m going to try life without a shrink for a while. At the very least it will be interesting, and if I take a wrong turn and need help, I can find someone else for the job. Wish me luck, we’ll see how it goes.
Until later…
Posted in Anxiety, Blogging, Childrearing, Depression, Exercise, Friends, Gifts, Healing, Hot Yoga, Hypothyroidism, Kids, Meditation, Motherhood, Recovery, Stress, Therapy, Writing | Tagged: Anxiety, blog, change, Depression, Gifts, hot yoga, Kids, love, meditation, mental illness, relax, running, Stress, therapist, therapy, writing, yoga | 2 Comments »
Posted by Jenny on January 9, 2011
I’ve been working on this post in my head for a while now, but haven’t had the guts to write it. Maybe it’s the New Year that has me feeling all brave, who knows, but I’m gonna do it…
One of the things I’ve really struggled with over this period of self-discovery is religion. It’s kind of confusing really because I feel like my faith is stronger and I am more sure of what God wants from me and for me and I feel very peaceful. What I’m really struggling with is religion in general, what exactly is the point??
That sounds pretty bad, I know, but more and more I find myself questioning things that I know the church teaches or things that are being discussed in my Bible study or rules that I am expected to follow if I am Catholic. Then of course I question whether the doubt and the asking of the questions means that I’m not really Catholic or that I’m a bad Catholic or that I should not be taking Communion or I should just leave the church. Although I’m sure there are any number of opinions on the matter, I have come to decide that having the questions and even asking the questions does not mean any of those things.
My religion is actually really important to me. I like going to Mass, I enjoy the tradition and the ritual and more often than not (if my kids aren’t bugging the crap out of me) I hear something in the homily that resonates with me or gives me something to think about. I have many, many friends in my parish. I know at any time for any reason there is a group of women that I could call if I needed something…to talk, to help with my kids, to go out for a drink, to bring me a meal, anything at all. I am also very happy with the education my kids are getting and the friends they have made.
Before I really get myself into trouble, let me just say that I am not an expert on any of this. I read a lot, but I am not a Biblical scholar and I don’t have a degree in theology, this is just how I feel and what makes sense to me.
I recently had someone say to me they worry that the gates to heaven are much more narrow than we think, so they are going to do their best to follow all the teachings of the Catholic church. Well what if the gates of heaven are much wider than any religion believes? I’ve always had a problem with the assertion that one religion is right and all others are wrong. I can’t wrap my brain around an all-loving, all-forgiving God who will arbitrarily send a soul to hell because they were Muslim or Jewish.
When we die, if we come face to face with God and have to answer for our lives on Earth, is he really going to care if we used birth control or supported a business run by a homosexual couple or ate meat on Fridays during Lent? I don’t think so. I think we’re going to have to account for how we treated others. Did we love our neighbors? Did we treat others as we would like to be treated? Did we do our best to live our lives with love and compassion and generosity and forgiveness?
Gandhi once said, “I like your Christ. I do not like your Christians. They are nothing like your Christ.” It makes me sad to say that I think he had a point. Religion can be so exclusionary. The Catholic church says everyone is welcome, yet there are so many rules about who can take Communion. Why can’t anyone that wants to share in the body and blood of Christ be allowed to do so? Jesus didn’t exclude anyone, in fact he went out of his way to include everyone. If there are so many blessings to be had in the sharing of the Eucharist, why wouldn’t we want to share it with all?
I am tired of the emails telling me to boycott a certain business because they support the homosexual lifestyle or not to participate in a certain charity event because the organization once gave money to Planned Parenthood. Show me a business that isn’t run by a sinner…there isn’t one. Are the people spreading the message to hurt these companies free of sin…of course not! To me those emails and requests are spreading a message of hate and intolerance, not a message of Christianity. And I’m tired of being told that as a Catholic the only responsible choice is Republican because Republicans are pro-life. Well people, Republicans are also pro-death penalty. The church teaches us to value all life, so how do you make a decision that an unborn child’s life is worth more than a criminal’s? And what about the 6,000 other issues to consider when placing a vote. Neither party is in complete agreement with the Church’s teachings and neither has to be. I’m sorry, but I thought separation of church and state was a founding principle of our government. Politics and church do not go together. That’s not to say that I don’t believe our leaders should be held to some moral and ethical code, I do, but morals and ethics don’t have to overlap with religion.
I’m sure at this point you are wondering why I even identify myself as a Catholic Christian? The truth is that I believe in Jesus, I believe in the lessons he taught, I believe in the way he lived his life and that anyone who tries to live as he lived is doing well, and that can be said for any person of any religion or even atheists for that matter. You do not have to believe in the divinity of Jesus to know his message was good. I’m Catholic because I feel closer to God when I attend Mass. I’m Catholic because I love the community. I’m Catholic because my faith is stronger and I’m more at peace when I go to church. I’m there and I will continue to be there because I love God and I want to be there. It wouldn’t work for me if I was there and following all of the rules because I was afraid of the alternative. What would be the point if I was only going because I was afraid of God? Maybe I’m missing something, but I just can’t believe that is what He wants either.
A friend recently introduced me to the teachings of Fr Richard Rohr. He is a Franciscan priest who started The Center for Action and Contemplation in Albuquerque, New Mexico. I’ve spent a lot of time reading essays on his site and listening to some of his homilies. He is Catholic, but so much of what he says is in line with my own thinking. This friend said to me, “He is definitely not mainstream Catholic, but he’s mainstream Jesus and that’s what’s important to me.” If you have some of the same questions I do, take a look at his site. It’s been enlightening for me.
I realize that things I’ve said here may be considered offensive to some. Please know that was not my intent, these are just my opinions, my feelings from my heart, what makes sense to me. I think everyone has the right to believe what they want and practice any religion they want to practice and if it works for you and brings you peace and comfort, then that is where you should be. These are just things I’ve thought a lot about recently and wanted to share. I’d love to hear your thoughts.
Until later…
Posted in Anxiety, Catholic, Forgiveness, Friends, God, Kindness, Love, Motherhood, Religion | Tagged: Anxiety, Catholic, Fear, Gandhi, intention, intolerance, love, questions about religion, religion | 12 Comments »
Posted by Jenny on January 2, 2011
There’s no question that 2010 was all about trying new things for me. I probably took more risks and tried more new activities in 2010 than I had in the 37 years prior.
A brief recap…
- Started a blog
- Began jogging for the first time in my life
- Started drinking coffee (not really an accomplishment, I know, but it was new for me and became very important in my life
)
- Tried Zip-lining
- Ran a half-marathon, 10K, and two 5K’s (in that order)
- Started going to yoga and eventually became hooked on Hot Yoga
- Went para-sailing
- Served on a jury for over 2 weeks
- Did a 30-Day Hot Yoga challenge (completed 22 classes in 30 days)
- Completed a 21-Day meditation challenge
Wow, I’m even a little impressed by that list. What’s sad is that I didn’t end the year as triumphantly as it began. From about Thanksgiving on, I let the craziness of the holidays get the better of me. Besides all the shopping, wrapping, baking, cooking, cleaning and mailing of cards and gifts, I also hosted Thanksgiving for 40 people, led the 4th grade class in a school wide service project for the Ronald McDonald house, and survived 2 snow days during the kids last week of school before break. On top of all that, I felt like crap for most of the month which led to blood work, then what seemed like 27 phone calls with the doctor’s office, then an actual appointment, and finally an increase in my thyroid medication which is what I knew I needed all along. So although I truly do love Christmas and everything that comes with it, I did let the stress get me down this year. What also happened was that I quit doing all of those things that keep me sane – writing, running, yoga, meditating. And, my therapist told me she’s retiring at the end of January, so I only have 2 more appointments (can I do it without her?) Basically that means that when 2010 ended I was just as messed up as I was when it started. The good news is, that I know what to do to make 2011 even better!!
I’ve never been one to make New Year’s resolutions, but it feels like the right thing to do this year. I also know that when I write things down or share them with other people, I’m more likely to follow through. So, here goes…
In 2011, I’m going to run the Flying Pig half-marathon for the 2nd time. I’m going to get a better time than last year which was 2 hrs, 45 min. My goal is to be closer to 10 min miles. I would also like to be more committed to my yoga practice. I never felt better than I did during the 30-day challenge. Finally, I want to write more. I love doing the blog, and I’m going to commit to writing two posts a week, and hope to do even more.
There’s one more thing I’m seriously thinking about, but I don’t know if this is the year, so I don’t want to claim it as a resolution. I really want to become a certified yoga teacher. I can’t get the idea out of my head and I have looked into the training programs available. It’s not outrageously expensive and it can be done in as little as 4 months or spread out as long as 2 years. There are a few things holding me back, but mostly it’s my own fear and doubt…I haven’t been doing yoga long enough, I’m not good enough at yoga to teach it, I won’t fit in with the other students, I’m not as thin as any other yoga teacher I’ve ever met, do I really want to give up my weekends to go back to school. We just finished paying off my student loans for a degree I’ve never really used, should I spend another $2000 on my education? I know that none of those reasons should stop me if it’s what I want to do, but like I said, I have to figure out if now is the time to do it, or should I wait?
Basically, I’m re-committing myself to staying healthy (mind, body, spirit). I have some plans, that’s for sure, but I’m open to new opportunities that pop up along the way, as well. I can’t wait to see what’s next.
Until later…
Posted in 2011, 30-Day Hot Yoga Challenge, 5K, Anxiety, Back to School, Blogging, Body Image, Christmas, Community Service, Exercise, Extreme Sports, Fear, Holidays, Hot Yoga, Hypothyroidism, Kids, Marathon, Meditation, Motherhood, New Year's Resolutions, Stress, The Flying Pig, Writing, Zipline | Tagged: 2011, Anxiety, blog, crazy, Fear, hot yoga, intention, Kids, latte, meditation, mental illness, New Year's Resolutions, running, shopping, Starbucks, Stress, writing, yoga, yoga teacher training | 2 Comments »
Posted by Jenny on September 11, 2010
Lately I’ve been feeling kind of stuck when it comes to my blog. Every once in a while something happens and I know it will make a good story, but a lot of days I don’t know what to write. I’ve been thinking about this a lot over the summer and especially over the last couple weeks, now that the girls are in school and here is what I realized. I have information and ideas I want to share, new things I’m doing and learning, stories I want to tell, goals for the immediate future, and of course things in my life that aren’t going as I hoped or planned, areas where I’m still struggling and trying to find balance. The problem is that I’ve gotten scared again.
When I started this, it was because I wanted to write. I wanted to write honestly about my life, the good and the bad. I wanted to share some of my difficulties and insecurities in the hopes that someone out there could relate and I wouldn’t feel so isolated, that maybe I could even help someone else to not feel so alone. It was also meant to be part of my own therapy and healing. Sometimes just saying something out loud or writing it down, no matter how crazy it is, makes it better. Those things that we hold inside for fear of being judged often lose their power over us once we share them with others. I’ve worked so hard over the past year to be healthy and happy and peaceful and I wanted to share some of the things that work for me and hopefully learn from others how they do it. Obviously, I knew when I started that other people would read it and comment and make judgments, but my intention was for it to always be a place where I could say whatever I wanted, express however I was feeling, a place where I could be me.
In the beginning, I wasn’t really sure if I would share it with people I know, mostly because I was insecure about my writing. I told my sister first, then gradually shared it with a few close friends. It took me three months to find the courage to publicize on facebook. At that point lots of people I knew would read it. I was ready. I was feeling more confident about my writing and I had lots of ideas. What I didn’t expect is that it would be more difficult for me, once there were 260 potential readers, (some very good friends, some family, some casual acquaintances, some people from my past who I really know nothing about presently).
Nothing bad has happened since I did it, in fact it’s all been really good. Some of those facebook friends have commented and sent me messages and shared with me how much they relate. People that I see regularly now leave me comments and talk to me about things I’ve written. Really, no one has done or said anything at all to discourage me. What is happening is all in my head. I find that I’m censoring myself. I’ve started to worry about how my words, thoughts, and feelings are going to be interpreted. I’m Catholic and I am very active in my parish and in the school. A lot of my facebook friends are people from church and school. What if I say something that goes against the teachings of the church? Am I going to offend anyone? Are people going to decide they don’t like me (God forbid) when they realize I’m actually fairly liberal on a lot of issues? I would hate for something I shared on my blog to adversely effect my children at school in any way. Sometimes I’m frustrated about an interaction my child has had and I’m afraid to write about it. I worry that people will wonder if I’m talking about them or their child. I get overwhelmed at times with all the “jobs” I’ve willingly volunteered to do, but I don’t want anyone that I work with to think I’m complaining about them personally, or think that I don’t want to help, or worst of all, worry that I’m incompetent and can’t handle it. I hate when my crazy, paranoid self gets control!
The other thing that holds me back is that I want it to be good, and I want people to be entertained. I like to laugh and I really love to make people laugh, so I find myself trying to decide if what I want to write is going to be funny enough, and if it’s not funny is it interesting enough, is it smart enough? What if I share something that I’ve done and everyone thinks I’ve really gone nuts. All of this worrying surely isn’t helping me at all, and it’s definitely not what I intended to happen when I began.
Of course none of those things I’m worried about are even in my control. People might decide they don’t like me whether I write the blog or not. I could get into a civilized debate with a friend at Bible Study and they are going to realize that I question the Church’s teachings on certain issues. Truthfully, when I get frustrated, I don’t hide it well, so if you are lucky enough to volunteer with me, I won’t need to blog about it, because I will have said it out loud.
So, I’m going to get back to writing whatever I feel like writing on any given day. I want to talk about how I do everything for my kids and don’t really let them have any responsibilities in our house because I know I can do it better and I lack the patience to teach them. I want to vent about how frustrated I am with myself for being over-committed at school so quickly when I really wanted some time to myself. I plan to tell you about the “21-day Meditation Challenge” I have nearly completed (even though it may sound crazy to most of you), why I think it is important, and how I want to incorporate meditation into every day. I want to share books that I love and quotes that inspire me. I want to write about gratitude and forgiveness and finding a passion and living a life without regret. Mostly I want to continue talking about taking care of myself (mind, body, spirit), and how important I know it is for everyone. If there is one thing I know for sure, we are better people when our own souls are being fed…better mothers, fathers, husbands, wives, friends…and isn’t that what life should be about anyway…being better tomorrow than we are today?
Until later…
Posted in Anxiety, Back to School, Blogging, Fear, Forgiveness, Friends, Gratitude, Healing, Kids, Marriage, Motherhood, Stress, Writing | Tagged: 21-day meditation challenge, Anxiety, blog, blogging, cleaning, crazy, Depression, Fear, finding your passion, forgiveness, Gratitude, intention, Kids, liberal, meditation, patience, Stress, writing | 5 Comments »
Posted by Jenny on September 1, 2010
I’m not gonna lie, I have basically done nothing with my time since the girls started school. I spend a lot of it sitting on my bed, mindlessly clicking around on my laptop…checking email incessantly, reading blogs, looking at twitter to see what the celebrities are saying, playing on facebook. Sometimes I sit here and do nothing, just feel down and think about all the things I want to get done. It’s pathetic, really. I was so excited about the girls going to school, I really had no idea it was going to be so sad. It’s not that I miss them terribly and can’t wait until they get home, it’s more about me. Who am I without them here? What is this next stage of my life going to be?
So yesterday I decided I had to do something. I have to get back to exercising several times a week, that is the one thing that helps me stay sane more than anything else. I was trying to decide between a run, a circuit class at the gym or hot yoga. I didn’t really want to do any of it, but I had to get back on the wagon. I ended up picking yoga.
I know it’s silly, but I was nervous. Even though I’ve done seven classes, I’ve never gone by myself and I’ve never gone in the morning. I also knew that I would be so glad I had done it, so I needed to get over my ridiculous anxiety. I arrived at my 9:30 class around 9:15. There were two male instructors at the desk. I recognized Joe. He had led several of my previous classes and they had been really good. I had never seen the other one before. I walked up and signed in…OMG, I was the only one there. Instantly I felt nauseous and wanted to leave, but it was too late. I went to the bathroom to drop off my stuff. When I got back out to the front I asked them if it was always so dead in the morning? Joe said it was always fairly quiet at the 9:30 class. Then the conversation went something like this…
Being the ultra cool, super secure, woman that I am, I said, “I think I might throw up.”
They smiled politely, but looked confused. “Why?” Joe asked
“Because I don’t want to do a yoga class all by myself. I haven’t done this very much. It makes me nervous.”
“Well I’m going to take the class too, so there will be three of us.” The other MALE instructor reassured me. (found out later his name is Josh)
Seriously, did he think that was going to make me feel better?? I may have said something about heading out to the car for a valium. We all laughed at that one, but I was sort of serious. I quickly decided, however, that prescription anti-anxiety meds were probably frowned upon by the all natural, tree hugging, probably vegan yoga men, and headed in to the studio.
Before I had my mat down, another student came in, THANK GOD!! She put her stuff down next to me. Silence is the rule once you enter the studio, but I just couldn’t help myself. I told her I was freaking out about the class being so small. I could tell she thought I was a little crazy, but she was pretty nice about it. She reassured me that no one would be paying any attention to me. Everyone is only concerned about “their practice”, and some Buddhist crap about “being grateful for where you are, it’s an evolution.” Truth is, I believe those things when I’m in my rational mind, but at that moment I was stuck in my neurotic, paranoid, cuckoo for coco puffs mind. Then, she ended the conversation with, “I’m just going to tell you, I’m pretty good at this.” I’m not kidding!! How was that helpful?
Things did get better. I was able to lie down, close my eyes and calm myself down for a few minutes before class started. When I opened my eyes, it was like my greatest wish had come true. There were several other people in the studio, and I hadn’t even heard them enter. I think it was magic…
The class was great!! The instructor did seem to give more individual attention to everyone than they normally do. He came up to me several times to make suggestions or small adjustments. I hate when they do that because I want to do it well, but I also love when they do that because I want to do it well. I know, I’m a mess!! I did notice that he was helping everyone, even the woman next to me who was “pretty good” at it, so I really didn’t feel too bad. We also did several poses that I had never done before, and the class was fifteen minutes longer than the evening class I usually attend. When I was leaving, Joe said, “See, that wasn’t intimidating, was it?” I said, “No, but only because more people showed up.” I even said I would probably be back again.
As usual, it feels really good to make it through something that gave me so much anxiety. I really do love yoga for so many reasons, I am hoping to fit it in two or three times a week. We’ll see. I’m thinking I better go back soon though, before my crazy self talks me out of it!
Until later…
Posted in Anxiety, Exercise, Fear, Gratitude, Hot Yoga, Kids, Motherhood | Tagged: Anxiety, crazy, facebook, Fear, Gratitude, hot yoga, Kids, running, tree hugging, twitter, valium, vegan, yoga | 8 Comments »
Posted by Jenny on August 11, 2010
My Big 9-Year-Old
Addy turned nine on Saturday. That seems crazy to me!! It’s taken me years to believe and accept that I am actually an adult and responsible for three small children and all of a sudden I’m supposed to accept that I have a 9-year-old.
On Thursday afternoon she came running home from a friend’s house announcing that she needed deodorant and she was excited about it. It was all I could do not to laugh as she walked up to me with her arm raised so I could smell for myself. She was right!! There it was, that unmistakable BO smell. OMG!! Her three closest friends have been wearing deodorant for a couple of years now, and Addy has been asking. I kept telling her she didn’t need it and I just didn’t want her to start yet. So the fact that she finally had a legitimate excuse made her very happy. We had plans to go school supply shopping that evening, so we added deodorant to the list. You should have seen her trying to pick out just the right scent. She finally settled on vanilla.
I gotta tell you, I’m just not ready for this even though I knew it was coming. For months, she’s been at that in-between stage of not really needing a bra, but having to be careful about wearing white shirts, and now I think she’s going to need one almost every day. We are definitely going to have to get some more before school starts. (I’m sure she will be far more excited about that than I am.) We have also had several conversations (aka arguments) lately that have been so irrational, raging hormones had to be running the show. Then, I was looking at her on Friday and she had three little pimples on her nose (it was all I could do not to hold her down and pop them). Seriously, where did all this come from? I’ve been in serious denial for a while now. Seriously, she has been beautifully naive about so many things for so long, she still believes in Santa, for crying out loud!! How can she be starting puberty? It’s definitely here and I know that means I need to talk to her.
My own mom didn’t handle it well at all. She was too embarrassed to talk about it and I knew it, so of course I was embarrassed too. She gave me a book to read and that was it, so I didn’t really handle it well either. It was confusing to me and I can tell you without a doubt, I wasn’t even a little bit excited about any part of it. I didn’t want to deal with it. Besides all that, I was young, so I didn’t even have friends to talk to about the whole thing.
I don’t want my girls to have the same experience I did. I want to be here to answer their questions, to explain what’s going on, and to make sure they understand that even if they feel embarrassed, it’s all normal. I’m not gonna lie, now that it’s here, I kind of want to hand her a book and be done with it. I can understand why my mom acted the way she did. The thought of having an in-depth, frank conversation with her scares me to death, but I am determined and committed to doing it the right way. I just hope that when we get a chance to do it, the words will come. That I will give her straight forward, honest answers that she can understand. That even when I’m feeling uncomfortable, she won’t know it. That I can be excited about it like she is. Wish me luck!!
Until later…
Posted in Anxiety, Body Image, Bras, Friends, Kids, Motherhood, Puberty | Tagged: Anxiety, deodorant, Fear, growing up, hormones, Kids | 9 Comments »
Posted by Jenny on July 28, 2010
My six-year-old, Avery, pooped in the pool last Thursday. I wish I could say that’s where the story begins, but that’s not true. This has been an ongoing problem for about a year now. It started with constipation issues, which caused her to have some leakage issues, which for some unknown reason led to pooping in her pants issues. I’d like to tell you that I handled it well, but I didn’t. There were plenty of times in the beginning that my frustration got the best of me and I got angry with her. When it continued for weeks, I started feeling sorry for her and finally got help. After finally getting her on a consistent and effective medicine and four visits with a counselor the problem seemed to go away last December. Then late in the spring we decided to try weaning her off the medication. It was fine for a while and then at the end of the school year we started having issues again. It was very sporadic at first. I got her back on the medicine, but I admit with summer upon us and two vacations, I didn’t remember to give it to her everyday. So the problem has been escalating as the summer goes on and this past couple weeks have been particularly bad. I’ve been putting off calling the counselor again for a couple of reasons. I don’t want to put her through it, if it isn’t necessary, and I also keep forgetting to do it. I think about it as I’m in the midst of cleaning poopy underwear or late at night when no one would be in the office.
Let me tell you exactly what happened…I took my girls to the pool, along with my two nephews and two other kids from the neighborhood. It was ridiculously hot outside, so after making sure all the children had been sunscreened and we had secured a couple of chairs, I got in the pool to cool off (and I’m not a “pool mom”). I got out after a couple of minutes and had just sat down in my chair when I look up to see Avery running out of the pool and towards me with a look of terror on her face. She gets as close to me as she can and whispers in my ear, “Poop just came out of my butt, and fell out of my bathing suit and now it’s in the pool!” We all know what happens when a kid poops in the pool…the lifeguard makes everyone get out, the pool has to be shocked, and is usually closed for at least a few hours, and maybe for the rest of the day. This has been my biggest fear, since this whole issue started, that Avery would poop in the pool, be totally humiliated and it would be my kid’s fault that the pool had to be shut down. It would be embarrassing enough if a toddler did it, but she’s six, how could I explain it? Immediately, I’m in crisis mode and I’m trying to figure out exactly what to do. I actually considered trying to get in the pool and fish it out myself without anyone knowing, but as quickly as that thought entered my mind, I knew it was impossible. Let me be clear, I didn’t decide against that option because it was morally wrong, I decided against it because I was sure it couldn’t be done, and it would be even more humiliating to be caught with a turd in my hand. So I resigned myself to the fact that I was going to have to tell the lifeguard, but as I was getting up to do so, a kid in the pool spotted the clump of poo at the bottom and before you could say “Holy Crap!” there was a circle of children around it, yelling to the lifeguard, “Someone pooped in the pool, someone pooped in the pool!” As quietly as I could, I fessed up that it was my kid, apologized, and took Avery in to the bathroom. I admit, I told Avery I was mad at her. She asked me if I was and I said yes, and I even said something along the lines of, “How do you feel now that everyone has to get out of the pool? I told you this would happen if you didn’t stop pooping in your pants.” Meanwhile, the poor lifeguard fished the offending matter out and dumped some acid into the pool. When we came back out, we heard that the pool would be closed for an hour, maybe more. Amazingly, with the exception of my oldest child, none of the other kids figured out it was Avery, thank God!! If she had been made fun of or laughed at right then, I may not have kept it together myself. We decided to stay and wait the hour until the pool re-opened, but I did have Tom come up and get Avery. My thinking at the time was that she should have to leave all of her friends and go home, maybe that would teach her she can’t do that. I also knew that no other mother would understand me letting her swim any more that day if I made a different decision.
That’s where the whole thing gets tricky for me. Like I said, we had been dealing with this for a long time. I knew that getting mad and punishing her wasn’t the right thing to do, but I have also been extremely frustrated that the problem had been fixed and now was back. I didn’t understand why. As it turned out, they had to close the pool for the rest of the day, so we all left a little bit later. When I got home, I sat with Avery for a while. She was so upset, mostly because I was mad at her. She was crying and asking, “Why is this happening to me? I want to stop.” I felt horrible! I told her we should call the counselor and she agreed. I know it was wrong to tell her I was angry and I apologized for that, but was it wrong to send her home?
Without going into the ghory details, I do want to tell you how this whole ordeal ended. I was worried that she was constipated, so I bought glycerin suppositories later that evening and we tried that before bed. The poor child pooped a man-size poop, and then proceeded to poop 4 or 5 times the next day, and has pooped at least once a day since then and there hasn’t been a single accident. She has been taking her medicine every day without complaint and she calls me into the bathroom for every BM and we cheer and high-five and do a happy dance. So, I haven’t called the counselor yet, I’m going to wait it out and monitor her regularity, and I’m very hopeful that we are on the right track.
Until later…
Posted in Anxiety, Fear, Friends, Kids, Motherhood, Neighbors, Public Humiliation, Stress | Tagged: Anxiety, constipation, counseling, drama, embarrassing moment, escape, Fear, Kids, messes, nephew, pool, poop, punishment, relax, summer, swimming | 3 Comments »
Posted by Jenny on June 13, 2010
I gotta tell you, my free-time is taking a serious hit now that the kiddos are in my face every waking minute, which is making it extremely difficult to write a blog post…trust me, it is not for lack of material. So first, I must apologize to the 7 of you out there who actually read this…I know you have been waiting anxiously for my return. One of my loyal followers was kind enough to point out to me that with fame comes responsibility and I am letting my fans down. He clicks on my link day after day hoping for some hilarious tale about one of my children, or my next extreme hobby, or some tidbit of wisdom I picked up in a self-help book. In fact, he’s so desperate for anything he’d even settle for some sappy, sentimental piece and those are the ones he tends to skim over. So it’s a sappy, sentimental piece he’s going to get for my return to the blogosphere. To top it all off, I think it’s gonna be a long one, and he always makes fun of those…
The Three Amigos
The girls and I took a little road trip last weekend to Murfreesboro, Tennessee (near Nashville) to see my oldest friend, Heather P., and her 3 girls. Heather P. and I met at the end of Kindergarten and were pretty much inseparable through high school. She moved right after college and although we don’t talk, write, or visit as often as we would like to, we have the kind of friendship that never goes away. We always seem to pick up where we left off and even if we don’t know much about the day-to-day life the other is living, we do keep track of the big stuff…jobs, husbands, kids, parents, etc… From 7th grade on, we had a third best friend, Heather Mc. She stayed around a bit longer than Heather P., but she eventually left town as well. We have the same kind of friendship though, and I know we always will. So Heather Mc. and her 3 kids met us in Murfreesboro too.
I won’t bore you with the details of what we did over the weekend, but I will tell you it was fantastic. All 9 children got along amazingly well and I had a blast catching up with the Heathers. As for my first road trip alone with my kids (as in no daddy to help me out), it was a complete success, which is good, because I’m driving to the beach with them in a couple of weeks (12 hours in the car and six “daddy-free” days). I’m betting I’ll have a story or two to tell after that.
The Best Picture We Could Get of All 9 Kids
What I do want to tell you about is Heather P’s little girl, Taylor. Taylor just turned 5 in April, but last weekend was the first time I met her and I didn’t know much about her until then either. Taylor is Heather’s middle daughter, Brooke is 8, and McKenzie is 12 weeks old. After Taylor was born, I didn’t talk to Heather for a couple of years. I knew she had a baby and we still exchanged Christmas cards, but nothing else. There were times when I thought about calling, but never got around to it. I was busy myself with 3 small children and I knew eventually we would be back in touch. Finally, we made a plan to get together over Christmas break 2008. Both Heathers and their kids were going to come up to my house for an afternoon. Heather P. only brought Brooke with her. It was then that she told us a little bit about Taylor. She told us that Taylor had some special needs. I don’t remember her going into much detail. She told us that Taylor’s condition is called “Global Developmental Delay”, which is a generic term meaning significant delays in 2 or more developmental domains (gross motor, fine motor, cognition, speech/language, personal/social, or activities of daily living). I know she told us that Taylor had to have physical and occupational therapy and that they had done lots of tests and seen several doctors, but did not know the cause of Taylor’s condition, nor did they have a specific diagnosis or prognosis. Heather was afraid the chaos and noise from all the kids at my house that day might be too much for Taylor so she didn’t bring her. I was disappointed that I didn’t get to meet her, but I understood. Things didn’t work out for a visit over Christmas 2009, so Heather Mc and I decided we were going to Tennessee this summer.
Heather P and her family planned to come up to the hotel where we were staying for a swim. When I talked to her on the phone before they arrived, she said to me something along the lines of, “Taylor doesn’t talk, so you might want to tell your kids about that before we get there.” Honestly, it was at that point that I realized Taylor’s special needs were much bigger than I had imagined in my head. I have acquaintances and friends and relatives whose children have learning disabilities, ADD, autism, anxiety, potentially fatal food allergies…all of which are challenging. In my own head I think that is how I pictured Taylor…she had some challenges, and it was sometimes difficult for Heather and her husband, Wes, but that it was just a small part of their lives. The reality was quite different. Let me start by saying that Taylor is adorable. She has beautiful blue eyes and a sweet smile. I knew when I saw her that not only was I going to love this child, I was going to learn something from her.
I don’t want to focus on the negative, but I do want to give you a picture of what life with Taylor is really like. Taylor does walk and she smiles and laughs a lot of the time. However, Taylor can’t talk, she can’t feed herself, she isn’t potty-trained, and she has to have constant supervision. In addition to the services she receives at school, she also has occupational therapy twice a week. Each session is $75. She climbs on everything in the house. You can tell if she wants or needs something, but figuring out what it is that she wants is a challenge. She is constantly in motion. The only downtime is sleep. She does not give hugs and kisses, she doesn’t get excited to see her mom and dad when they pick her up at school. In fact, Heather and Wes aren’t really sure to what extent she actually recognizes them. She has no stranger anxiety, it seems to make no difference to her who is caring for her at any given time. On the flip side, she is extremely content. I would go so far as to say that she is a really happy child. Most of the time, she is just moving around the house, sometimes stopping to look at the TV, or watch out the window for a minute, or jump on the mini trampoline in her bedroom. I quickly learned that Taylor loves being outside and loves the water. Any time a door opened in the house, Taylor was there hoping for a chance to go out. She absolutely loves to swing. She also shows up quickly when the water is running. Whenever Heather turned the water on at the kitchen sink, Taylor would worm her way in to feel it on her hands. Heather told me that on more than one occasion they’ve lost track of Taylor and she’s made her way into the bathtub and turned on the water, fully clothed!!
On Monday, Heather P. and I took Brooke and my girls to The Discovery Center and we had a chance to sit and talk for a while. I finally had the opportunity to really ask her about Taylor, but mostly I wanted to know how she was doing and how she dealt with it all. Heather knew almost immediately that something was wrong when Taylor was born. Taylor’s suck reflex was basically nonexistent, and she had horrible acid reflux. They had to feed her with a syringe, just a tiny bit at a time, pretty much shooting it into the back of her mouth. It wasn’t until she was six months old that the doctor acknowledged she was missing important milestones and referred her to an early intervention specialist. Since then it’s been quite a journey. Heather was very honest with me about how difficult it is. She feels badly because she doesn’t have the patience she feels she should have, she worries about Brooke and how it affects her, she feels isolated because none of her friends are in the same situation so they really don’t understand. I think one of the most difficult aspects of the whole thing is the uncertainty of it all. Heather was very hopeful when this all began that Taylor would have some therapy and be better and they could move on. Unfortunately, it didn’t work out that way. They’ve done brain scans and blood work and genetic testing and they still don’t have a diagnosis or a reason for Taylor’s delays. Because of this, they really can’t begin to know what the future holds. Taylor has made amazing progress and continues to get better all the time, but at this point no one knows if she will ever be able to take care of herself. Of course, Heather also plays the game of “what if” in her mind…what if I hadn’t taken the medicine for morning sickness, what if I hadn’t had my labor induced, what if we had seen a specialist earlier…all questions that she can’t stop wondering about, but will never have answers.
Addy and Taylor
I wanted to tell you about Taylor for a couple of reasons. First of all, I want to acknowledge what an amazing job Heather and Wes are doing as her parents. It is obvious that they are doing everything they can for Taylor and she is loved completely and unconditionally. I want Heather especially to know how proud I am of her and how impressed I was with the family she has created. Second, I want to say how much I loved seeing my own children interact with Taylor. I was reminded time and time again of how children just accept everything and everyone so naturally and how I wish we didn’t lose that quality as we get older. Of course they asked questions. Reilly asked why Taylor, who is the same age, still wore diapers. Heather just said she wasn’t potty trained and Reilly said, “Oh that’s like me, I still wear pull-ups at night because I wet the bed.” They weren’t uncomfortable around her, they talked to her and played with her in her room. When we left, they hugged Brooke and Taylor and talked about how much they missed them both and have already asked when we can go back. Finally, I want to tell you what spending time with Taylor meant to me. I’m going to be honest, unlike my children I was uncomfortable, and I hate that about myself. I didn’t know what to say to Heather and Wes, was it best to act like nothing was different, should I talk to Taylor, could I hug her or touch her? My overwhelming feeling was one of sympathy for them…at least that’s how the weekend started. Pretty quickly though I realized that it was okay to ask Heather questions, that she wanted to talk about Taylor and what they’ve been through and how much progress has been made. And when I got over the fear of asking Heather the questions that I had, I started getting over my fear of interacting with Taylor. I started to see her as a little girl just like my little girls. I began to recognize just how strong and brave and determined she must be. I found myself wanting to be near her. I got to sit in the car with her for a few minutes while Heather went into the grocery. I helped her drink a milkshake while we waited and I know I’ve never seen a child enjoy a milkshake like Taylor did. I had to stop to wipe her face a few times and I couldn’t get the straw back in her mouth quickly enough. I took her outside on the swing for a while when Heather was feeding the baby. My own children never appreciated being pushed on the swing like Taylor did. When she feels joy it just bubbles out of her and you can’t help but feel it too. The overwhelming sympathy I was feeling on Sunday was replaced with gratitude for having the chance to know this beautiful child, to see my dearest friend in this role that she was handling with such courage and love. Having Taylor in your life should not invoke sympathy, knowing Taylor is a blessing, and I’m a better person because I spent time with her. That doesn’t mean that I don’t recognize how difficult it is and I admire Heather and Wes more than I can say, but I am certain that Taylor was given to them for a reason and they will learn more from her than she learns from them. I am so grateful for the opportunity to get to know Taylor and I can’t wait to see her again…with her mom, of course!
Until later…
Taylor is on my mind most of the time and I would like to find a way to help her and other children like her. One of the organizations that Heather supports is The Sensory Processing Disorder Foundation. If you would like to learn more about it or make a donation for research please visit their website www.SPDfoundation.net .
Posted in Anxiety, Fear, Friends, Gratitude, Kids, Love, Motherhood, Road Trip | Tagged: Anxiety, Gifts, Global Developmental Delay, Gratitude, Kids, love, Murfreesboro, Sensory Processing Disorder, SPD, special needs, swimming, unconditional love | 8 Comments »
Posted by Jenny on May 26, 2010
The last few weeks I’ve been obsessed with trying hot yoga. My friend mentioned it to me months ago, but it was before I had done any yoga at all, so it kinda went in one ear and out the other. Then my therapist talked about it a few times and I thought it sounded interesting. What really got me wanting to try it was another blog I read, Nucking Futs Mama. She’s a bit obsessed with it, and it sounded like something I would like to try so I started looking into it.
I’ve always hated to be hot and sweaty. If it’s above 80° outside, I want no part of Mother Nature unless the pool or ocean is nearby. However, if I’m working out, I don’t feel like I’ve done any good if I haven’t worked up a sweat…that’s what was missing in the few yoga classes I had taken. I loved the way I felt mentally and I left feeling peaceful and relaxed, but I didn’t necessarily feel like I had exercised. I still wanted to go for a run when the class was over. So hot yoga sounded like the perfect combination to me.
I started researching studios nearby and picked one that sounded good for beginners. My friend Brenda said she would love to do it with me, so it was just a matter of finding a class time that fit both of our schedules…that happened last night. I was so excited!! I have no idea why I thought spending an hour and a half in a 100° room sounded like fun, but it did. Of course, I had all my normal anxiety about what to wear, what if I can’t follow along, what if I think I’m following along just fine, but really I look like a complete idiot and everyone in the room is secretly thinking I shouldn’t be there, what if someone farts and I start laughing and can’t stop, what if the smell of sweaty bodies in close quarters makes me puke…you get the idea…I’m doing better most days, but I’m still crazy!!
The evening didn’t get off to a great start. I went to see my cousin and her new baby in the hospital before yoga. I should have had plenty of time but I got lost leaving the hospital. I thought I knew what I was doing but apparently I didn’t and my car was about to run out of gas and I was in a really bad neighborhood so even if I saw a gas station (which I didn’t) I wasn’t about to stop so I called Tom to see if he could tell me what to do and he couldn’t because I didn’t know enough about where I was so I started crying and just kept driving and eventually got on a highway that didn’t lead me where I needed to be but at least I knew where I was so I could finally find a gas station and head toward the yoga studio. I definitely needed some deep cleansing breaths by the time I arrived!!
The woman at the desk was really nice and asked us about previous yoga experience. Brenda has been doing it for five years off and on and I’ve only been to three very basic classes at the gym. She then said if at any time during the class you feel sick or dizzy just go into child’s pose or lie on your back, please don’t leave the room. There won’t be anyone in the reception area so if you get sick or pass out, no one will be around to help you. Looking back, that should have scared me a little bit, but it didn’t…I ran a freaking half marathon for cryin’ out loud!!
We got our mats and towels (beach size and hand towel) and water and walked into the studio. There were already several people inside. I scoped the place out for an inconspicuous spot where there was still room for both Brenda and me. I led us over to the far back corner of the room. I whispered as quietly as I could (you are supposed to be silent in the studio) that I wanted her to be in front of me so I could watch her. We set up and laid down on our mats to “quiet ourselves” before class started. It was the hottest room I have ever been in…not an exaggeration. I was sweating before class began.
Pretty much the worst thing I could imagine happened when class started…we were actually in the front of the room, not the back!! How we didn’t notice the mirrors on the wall right where we settled down, I’ll never know. So I was directly in front of the mirror looking at my sweaty red-faced self in awkward uncomfortable poses for 75 minutes…I admit I’m vain, but I truly don’t enjoy watching myself work out!! And, Brenda was actually behind me, not in front of me! That part didn’t work out so badly because of the mirrors and half the time I was hanging upside down looking toward the back anyway.
As it turned out, I made it through the first 45 minutes or so without a problem. I’m not lying when I say I have never been so sweaty in my life. The first time I bent over for “Downward-Facing Dog”, I was shocked at the sweat dripping off my face and arms onto the towel. Then I looked at my legs and you would have thought I just climbed out of a pool. Seriously, I didn’t know my knees could sweat!! It was harder than I expected, but I was keeping up with the class fairly well, and being in front of the mirror was actually helpful when the teacher explained the poses. The whole class had been more difficult than I expected, but I was keeping up really well for a while. I would guess that the class was about 2/3 over when it started getting really difficult for me. I started getting light-headed so I tried Savasana (corpse pose) for a while. It seemed to help, so I tried to get back to what the class was doing, but every time I sat up, I was dizzy. I tried child’s pose for a bit, which also seemed to help, but I was still dizzy when I tried anything that involved lifting my head off of the floor, so I pretty much remained in Savasana for the rest of the class. I was a little self-conscious about not participating, but the teacher kept saying “listen to your body, stop if you need to stop” and to be honest quitting seemed less embarrassing than possibly fainting or vomiting the 64 oz of water I had consumed over the last hour…Lord knows I didn’t want to be the one to disrupt the silence!
I realize I’m probably not doing a great job selling the idea of hot yoga based on my first experience, but I am being completely honest when I say that I loved it!! I felt great when class ended. I was relaxed and calm and something about sweating that much was so cleansing and refreshing. The teacher told us that we both did really well, she actually forgot that I was a beginner, and it’s totally normal to feel a little light-headed and not be able to finish the class when you are just starting out. For all I know she is the owner of the studio and she just wants my money, but I don’t really care…I’m choosing to believe her!!
I can’t wait to go back! In fact, I’m desperately trying to find a babysitter Thursday, Friday, or Saturday so that I can get another class in this week. Once school gets out, I’m seriously considering going to the 6am classes. Then I don’t have to worry about a sitter or be away from home too many evenings. It just may become my newest addiction!!
Until later…
Posted in Addiction, Anxiety, Body Image, Exercise, Fear, Friends, Hot Yoga, Marathon, Motherhood | Tagged: Anxiety, Fear, hot yoga, relax, sweat, yoga | 1 Comment »
Posted by Jenny on April 21, 2010
I’ve been home from my girl’s weekend since Sunday afternoon and I know I want to write about it, but I’m struggling with what exactly I want to say. I’ve actually sat down to write three or four times since then, but I keep getting stuck. This writing thing is new for me and I want there to be a point to what I’m saying. I don’t simply want to give a report of what I’m up to…why would anyone care? So there are all these angles running through my mind. I could write about the relationships I have with these women, how spending three relaxing days talking, eating, drinking, dancing and laughing can be better than years of therapy. I could write about re-entry into the real world and how it sucks. That strange phenomenon of missing your children so badly and wanting nothing more than to feel their little arms around your neck and smell their hair and hear them laugh and then barely five minutes after returning home, desperately wanting to leave again. How horrible my body feels after eating all that fried, sugary, fattening, processed food and drinking three nights in a row and not running for five days, and how I’m not even a little sorry I did it. There are so many choices. Anyway, I think what I’ve settled on is what the weekend meant for me, how I know I’m getting better, how much more peaceful I am than I have ever been, how it was just another step in finding myself.
I have control issues. I wouldn’t necessarily call myself domineering or opinionated and I don’t feel like a natural leader, my control issues are more internal. I like to know what is going to happen, I like schedules, I like routines, I don’t take risks, I follow rules (I get anxious entering through the exit and I only cross in the cross walk, seriously, jaywalking gives me heart palpitations). I get uncomfortable when my plans are messed up or when I’m running late and it is really difficult for me to be spontaneous. For example, I have a couple of friends who will decide every once in a while to go see a movie at the last-minute after the kids are in bed. They always invite me to go along, but I have only gone one time and that was mostly because I was tired of them making fun of me. I don’t like to leave once I’m in for the night, it’s not my routine!! I’m especially bad on vacation. I can relax but only under certain conditions. I like to have a general idea of what the day is going to be like…plans for meals, where are we going, what time does everyone need to be ready to get out the door…and I am constantly straightening up. I can’t stand for my stuff to be spread all over the hotel or house and I really don’t want it to get mixed up with anyone else’s stuff…God forbid!!
This weekend was different. I didn’t have any expectations about what we would do once we got there and I was happy to just let it happen. On the
That's me, top row, third from the left, with the crooked helmet!!
way down to Gatlinburg, someone brought up ziplining. One of the women knew someone who had done it when they were in Gatlinburg and another of my friends on the trip had done it in Costa Rica a couple of years ago. It was decided that we would look into it when we arrived. I thought it was a great idea. A year ago I would have been terrified, I don’t do anything risky and I’m extremely scared of heights, but it didn’t even occur to me to be afraid when we were talking about it. So we called a place on Friday morning and made a reservation and at 11:30 I was signing a waiver and a bunch of very young men were strapping a harness between my legs and over my shoulders and tightening a helmet on my head. That was the point when the nerves kicked in, but I wasn’t nervous about getting hurt or leaving my husband widowed and my children orphaned, I was nervous about looking like a complete moron. First of all, I have never liked myself in hats of any kind and would sooner let frostbite claim my ears or have my scalp fry in the sun than wear a hat, so the fact that I was going to spend the next two hours in an extremely unflattering white helmet in front of five friends and fifteen complete strangers and there would undoubtedly be lots of pictures of this atrocity freaked me out. (No one looked good, so I recovered from that nonsense pretty quickly.) Then there was the fear that I would not understand the directions and I would fall on take off or barrel in to the poor guy at the other end who was there to make sure I landed safely or somehow get turned around and forget where to put my hand and get caught in the pulley or brake too hard and get stuck in the middle of a zipline and have to manually pull myself to the other side while the rest of the group watched and waited. In my mind, a million things could go wrong and none of them involved death or disability, only embarrassment and that’s completely different from the panic I normally would have felt in a situation like this. I got over all my ridiculous paranoia and I paid close attention to all the instructions and watched the people in front of me very carefully and I did it. I did plow into the catcher dude once, but that was the worst thing that happened and several other people in the group slammed into him much harder than I did, so that wasn’t even that humiliating. It was awesome!! There were a couple of lines that you had to run and jump off the cliff (cliff sounds more dramatic and dangerous than it actually was, but I don’t have another word to describe it) and those were my favorite. That brief second of flying before the harness caught me was exhilarating. I never felt unsafe or insecure in any way, we screamed and laughed on every run, and I even did one with no hands. I was disappointed when the tour was over (after nine lines) and I can honestly say I would have liked it to be a little more extreme…higher, longer lines would have been great. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not ready to bungee jump or sky dive or anything really crazy, but this felt good. It felt good to not be afraid, to take it all in and enjoy myself so completely. It really was amazing!!
Extreme Sports Jenny...next stop Skydiving!!
I’ve mentioned before that I spend a lot of time reading and lately it’s been a lot of self-help kind of books – books about taking care of me, finding my creativity, passion, and purpose. However, I haven’t really felt like I was putting a lot of what I was reading into practice. What I read always makes sense to me, but when it comes to the end of the chapters I never take the time to do the activities that are suggested, I always think I’ll get to that later when the girls are in school. As it turns out, what I am discovering is that the messages in these books are very often similar and they seem to be working their way into my life anyway. One of the books on my nightstand is called The Artist’s Way. It’s all about tapping into your creativity and I have been slowly moving through it and learning from it and really enjoying it, and hoping to actually do the study in the fall. I had a few minutes to spare this morning so I picked it up to read a page or two. It just so happened that this is what I read:
For four weeks now, we have been excavating our consciousness. We have seen how often we think negatively and fearfully, how frightening it has been for us to begin to believe that there might be a right place for us that we could attain by listening to our creative voice and following its guidance. We have begun to hope, and we have feared that hope…With each day we become more true to ourselves, more open to the positive…We are becoming less judgmental of ourselves and others…Freed from our terrible fears of abandonment, we are able to live with more spontaneity…As we have listened to our artist child within, it has begun to feel more and more safe. Feeling safe, it speaks a little louder. Even on our worst days, a small, positive voice says, “You could still do this or it might be fun to do that”…We are rendered less rigid than we were…We startle ourselves by saying yes instead of no to opportunities. As we begin to pry ourselves loose from our old self-concepts, we find that our new, emerging self may enjoy all sorts of bizarre adventures.
The Artist’s Way by Julia Cameron, pages 94-95
As I was reading those pages this morning I was struck by how perfectly they described how I was feeling. I had actually arrived at this point, not just read about what would happen if I did certain things and let go of old beliefs and behaviors. I know in my own mind and heart that I feel better and I am doing well, but this was an outside affirmation…reassurance that all these things that I am reading about and thinking about and the changes that I am making in my own life are working. It felt really good. For months I’ve been saying to myself “fake it until you make it” and what that meant to me was that my attitude was my choice. Do the things that I need to do to get better even if I don’t feel like it and eventually it would all sink in and I would be better. Go to therapy when I’d rather shop, exercise even when it’s painful and I’m tired, call friends even when I want to be quiet and alone, go out even when I want to hide, read and write even when I want to watch TV. All of a sudden I have realized that I’m not faking it anymore. There has been an actual shift in my consciousness. I am comfortable with all these changes that I’ve made and they are feeling like the norm to me, not a to-do list!!
The zipline adventure was the most radical thing I did over the weekend, but in general I was different than I usually am. I didn’t take on my normal den mother role of keeping the house picked up, making sure people were getting ready on time, going over the schedule with the rest of the group. On
My Girls!!
Saturday, we went shopping. One of my friends and I broke off from the rest of the group and I didn’t feel the need to make a plan about getting back together. I had no idea where or when we were eating and I wasn’t worried about it. Finally around seven, we decided to get a drink and an appetizer and we texted the rest of the group. This may not seem like a big deal to you, but it’s progress for me. A year ago I would have been checking in with the rest of the group and making sure the plan was good for everyone. As it turned out the rest of the girls did join us and we decided to stay for dinner and it was a great night. The drink special was Long Island Ice Tea for $4…between the six of us we may have had $100 worth…and it was obvious from the conversations!! I know we shared more than we ever intended to and we laughed a lot, and the terrible traffic jam on the way home didn’t stress me out at all. I didn’t set my alarm to wake me up Sunday morning even though we were talking about leaving early. For once I wasn’t worried about how quickly everyone was getting ready and I wasn’t worried about beating the traffic out of town. It really is a nicer way to live…DUH!! I’m not going to lie, I did do the dishes a couple of times and kept my things contained to the closet I was using for the most part, but I was better, and I’m loving the new me…that’s what matters.
Until later…
Posted in Anxiety, Exercise, Extreme Sports, Fear, Friends, Gatlinburg, Healing, Kids, Motherhood, Stress, The Weekend, Zipline | Tagged: Anxiety, Depression, Fear, long island ice tea, outlet mall, relax, shopping, Stress | 3 Comments »
Posted by Jenny on April 14, 2010
The girls and me with my loot!
I’ve been 37 for two days now, and so far it’s been pretty awesome. The presents were great!! I got a zoom lens for my Nikon D60 digital SLR camera. I’ve been wanting one for a while now. It was great at the girls’ soccer games over the weekend and I’m anxious to try it at Addy’s next track meet. I’m extremely amateur in my photography and someday hope to actually understand the camera and use it to its full potential, but for now, the memories I am capturing are enough. I also got a beach towel, a shirt, some new towels for the master bath and another Swatch. The new one is solid bubblegum pink…I love it!! I did get to run and have dinner out with my family and my cake was to die for. It was a great birthday…and so far the week has been fantastic too!!
I had to get my driver’s license renewed this year, so I went Monday morning. I was done in 5 minutes. That is not an exaggeration. There was no line, the girl waiting on me was super-quick and get this…my picture is
actually good!! There really are few things more depressing than a bad driver’s license photo. You see it every time you open
Reilly at her 1st game
your wallet for four whole years and there is nothing you can do to change it (short of moving to another state). Then, today I went to the liquor store to buy tequila for my upcoming girl’s weekend (far too many margaritas will be imbibed…blog posts with pics to come later) and I got carded!! (that is a boost for the ego, I must say) And, to top it all off, “Glee” was back last night. I’m Jenny and I’m a “Gleek”. Really, if you aren’t watching this show, you should be. I’m a sucker for a good musical, which is what brought me to watch it in the first place. The song and dance routines are fantastic. I’m not going to lie, I’ve downloaded 1 or 2 or 10 from iTunes. But what keeps me coming back are the story lines and the characters. It is absolutely hysterical…in a dark, twisted, completely inappropriate and totally irreverent way. I don’t want to ruin it for anyone who hasn’t watched yet, but suffice it to say, the Spring Season Premiere did not disappoint.
Avery Stopped Playing to Smile for the Camera
I guess having a birthday has me thinking about things again. What do I want out of the next year? What did I learn from the last? I can honestly say that the year of being 36, was the most difficult of my life, and I have big hopes for being 37. For a long time, I’ve just been going through the motions, taking care of the kids, the house, my husband. Doing things because they were on my calendar or they just needed to be done. Taking on projects that didn’t really excite or motivate me. I was busy, but the busy kept me from being me. If I was busy, I didn’t have time to really examine my life and figure out what I needed. If I was busy, it felt like I had a purpose, I was doing things for other people, so I must be needed, my job must be important. I would have undoubtedly told you I was happy, and that was the truth. It’s still hard for me to identify exactly what happened last year to change all that. I think it boils down to this…our lives were getting bigger and busier, the economy was tanking which put a huge burden on my husband who is in sales and financially responsible for five people, I was feeling the strain of constantly monitoring the mood in the house and doing my best to keep everyone happy. I was exhausted and I was bored and I was feeling alone…and I had a wake up call. So the last nine months have been about making sense of it all. The biggest lesson I have learned is that I have to take care of me first. I have to be healthy physically, emotionally, and spiritually if I want to care for the people I love. I am not responsible for any other person’s physical, emotional or spiritual health. I can still care for the people I love. I can still be kind, generous, encouraging, and do things for them because I want to, but I can’t make them happy and I can’t make them healthy. Those are things every person has to do for themselves. I have a vision for the next year. When I’m quiet and thoughtful and reflective this is what I focus on…
I want to be physically healthy – to continue exercising, to maintain a healthy weight, to eat better and cook better
I want to be emotionally healthy – to continue therapy as long as I need to (maybe forever), to never stop learning how to be better, to choose optimism over pessimism, to do the work necessary to heal when things aren’t going well
I want to be spiritually healthy – to find more time to pray or meditate, to listen to my inner voice and trust my intuition
I want to find a balance between being a wife, a mother, and a woman. I want to be good at all of those things and not let one identify me over the others. I want to enjoy all of those things and not have one become more of a burden than the others. I want to accept that I am human and will make mistakes and not judge myself too harshly when I do and I want to take the time to reflect and learn the lessons that the universe is trying to teach me
Here’s the big one…I want to find my passion!! I want something in my life that is just about me, that excites me, that I look forward to doing, that I’m good at. Something that feeds my soul and makes me feel interesting and fulfilled and satisfied.
And finally I want all of these things for the people I love, especially my husband. I want us to be amazing, whole, healthy, happy individuals who make an amazing, whole, healthy, happy couple and raise amazing, whole, healthy, happy children.
Really, is that too much to ask? I don’t think so.
Until later…
Posted in Anxiety, Depression, Exercise, Healing, Kids, Marriage, Motherhood, Swatch | Tagged: Anxiety, birthday, Depression, driver's license, emotional health, Glee, Gleek, iTunes, Marriage, physical health, spiritual health, watch | 4 Comments »
Posted by Jenny on March 29, 2010
I knew it was bound to happen and it did. I’ve been in a really good place for the past couple months, but all of a sudden this past week or so things have felt a little off again. I can’t really figure out exactly when it happened, or why it happened, but things just aren’t clicking the way they had been.
The running hasn’t been great. I was up to four miles a couple of weeks ago. I had done it once on the track at the gym and then once outside in my neighborhood. Last Tuesday I went for a run in the evening and couldn’t even do two miles. I was tired and my legs hurt and I had a horrible cramp in my side. I chalked it up to bad timing. I had just finished a pretty big dinner and I usually run earlier in the day. So I tried again Thursday…same thing, just didn’t seem to have the energy to do more than a couple of miles. I did complete 5K on Friday and again on Sunday, but it was hard.
Besides the difficulty running, I can feel the depression and anxiety trying to gain some control again. I’m really tired, cranky, and impatient. I don’t feel like talking to friends. I feel like being alone. I feel sad for no good reason. I couldn’t think of anything to write about (which of course gave me more anxiety). Just when I thought I had it all figured out…it’s so frustrating.
I do have a couple of ideas as to why this is happening. The first one being that I haven’t seen my counselor in four weeks. She was on vacation and then she was sick…how dare she? I don’t always leave there feeling like anything is solved, but she helps me put things in perspective. She asks exactly the right questions to get me thinking and moving in the right direction. The other thing I’ve been thinking and worrying about a lot lately is how busy my family is. For the first time, all three girls are involved in a sport at the same time. I never wanted to be a family that was too busy to have dinner together, but a lot of weeks we are down to one night. I hate it!! What can I do about it though? One sport per child seems completely reasonable doesn’t it? Of course, Saturdays are going to be difficult for the next 8 weeks or so, we will basically have to divide and conquer to get everyone where they need to be. We may even have to call on outside reinforcements when the three events happen in three different places at the same time. No golf for Tom, no shopping for me! I know this is reality for most families, but that doesn’t mean I have to like it!!
So of course I’ve been thinking a lot about how to get out of this slump…I’m still running, I’m still reading “The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success”, I’m writing, I talked to some of my friends today even though I didn’t feel like talking, I listened to a meditation podcast this afternoon. I don’t feel better yet, but I know I will. It’s a choice. I know that for sure. Does that mean I can instantly decide that I’m fine and everything will miraculously get better. I don’t necessarily think so. What it does mean is that I can let the anxiety and depression and doubt get the best of me and I can give up or I can take all these tools I have and keep working with them until it gets better again. It’s my choice. Just yesterday I read this meditation in The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie. It’s the March 6th entry, so I’m a little behind but that’s okay, it was just what I needed.
Peace
Anxiety is often our first reaction to conflict, problems, or even our own fears. In those moments, detaching and getting peaceful may seem disloyal or apathetic. We think: If I really care, I’ll worry; if this is really important to me, I must stay upset. We convince ourselves that outcomes will be positively affected by the amount of time we spend worrying.
Our best problem-solving resource is peace. Solutions arise easily and naturally out of a peaceful state. Often, fear and anxiety block solutions. Anxiety gives power to the problem, not the solution. It does not help to harbor turmoil. It does not help.
Peace is available if we choose it. In spite of chaos and unsolved problems around us, all is well. Things will work out. We can surround ourselves with the resources of the Universe: water, earth, a sunset, a walk, a prayer, a friend. We can relax and let ourselves feel peace.
Today, I will let go of my need to stay in turmoil. I will cultivate peace and trust that timely solutions and goodness will arise naturally and harmoniously out of the wellspring of peace. I will consciously let go and let God.
My husband bought me a coffee mug over the weekend that says, “My attitude is entirely my decision.” That’s what I keep telling myself. This is just a little bump in the road.
Until later…
Posted in Anxiety, Depression, Exercise, Fear, Friends, God, Motherhood | Tagged: Anxiety, Depression, Fear, running, shopping | 8 Comments »
Posted by Jenny on March 12, 2010
Talk about getting out of my comfort zone. I just allowed my five and six year old girls make their own sandwiches. I’m not sure you realize just how scary that is for me. A million things could go wrong…alright, maybe not a million, but it could make a gigantic mess and I know they won’t make them the right way. But anyway, I had a little nap this afternoon, so I was in a pretty good mood, and when Reilly asked if she could make her own PB & J I took a deep breath and said “Yes”.
I know you’re dying to know how it went…it wasn’t quite as bad as I thought it would be…and they had fun and they enjoyed their sandwiches.
Reilly was so proud!
Not bad for the first time.
Reilly actually did a better job spreading the peanut butter than I thought she would. There was a moment when I was sure the bread was going to be shredded and I literally had to sit on my hands to keep from taking the knife away from her and doing it myself. But she figured it out in the end.
I think she needs a little more jelly.
Avery chose to do a butter and jelly sandwich. She did a great job spreading the butter. I had to coach her a little bit with the jelly, but she caught on quickly. I was actually pretty relaxed watching her.
Avery's finished product.
They also managed to keep most of the mess on their plates and placemats and they didn’t cross contaminate – I was extremely worried about peanut butter in the jelly jar or jelly in the butter tub…
Like I said, they had a great time, I’m sure they felt like “big girls”, and they succeeded. I’d be willing to bet they enjoyed those sandwiches more than any sandwich I had ever made them. They even ate the crust…that’s something!!
It was another lesson to me in letting go of the control…
Until later…
Reilly was actually messier eating it than making it.
Wow, that's a lot of butter!
Posted in Anxiety, Fear, Kids, Motherhood | Tagged: Anxiety, Kids, messes, success | 3 Comments »
Posted by Jenny on March 2, 2010
What happens when the only dream you ever had comes true and it isn’t enough? That’s where I’ve been lately. Seriously, all I ever wanted was to be a mom. I never wanted any kind of career, I never really had a hobby that I loved, I just wanted to be a stay-at-home mom. Of course I also wanted a great husband, who loved and respected me for who I am and fantastic friends and a beautiful house, but it was the mom part I really HAD to have. I wasn’t going to be just some average mom and I surely wasn’t going to be my mom. I was going to be the best mom ever. My kids were going to be sweet, well-mannered, adorable little people who were also extremely charming and talented. They were going to look good all the time with matching outfits and bows in their hair. They would eat lots of fruit and vegetables and never have pop or sugary cereal. They would be involved in really interesting activities. I would take them to the park and do arts and crafts and bake with them, all while keeping my husband completely happy and madly in love with me, and my house of course would be perfectly decorated, and there would never be dust on the tables, a ring around the bath tub, or toothpaste in the sink…and being in control of all of those things was going to make me happy. You can laugh now if you want, I do when I think how ridiculous it was.
The hair thing went out the window pretty quickly when Addy’s grew in curly. It’s always a mess and she won’t keep a bow, barrette, or rubber band in it to save her life. (She has come home from the neighbor’s with a chip clip in her hair because the mom over there couldn’t stand it hanging in her face any longer.) I did pay an extreme amount of attention to her and we took swim lessons and gym classes together and did go to the park and the zoo…and she truly believes that she is the center of the universe. Then Avery and Reilly came (15 months apart) and there went the rest of the illusion. Avery is my sweet, middle child. She was the easiest baby and toddler of all three…but she definitely has some of her mommy’s crazy genes. She has a certain spot in the living room where she likes to sit and Lord help the person who tries to fight her for it. She is also extremely particular about the color of her cups and dishes, she insists on being the first one to bathe every night, and she will only wear about 10% of her clothes (OCD anyone?) Seriously, have her dad and I messed her up already at 6 years old, or was she just lucky enough to inherit our tendency toward mental illness? Then there’s Reilly. Sometimes I look at her when we are out and I am honestly surprised by what she is wearing. How did she get out of the house without me noticing she had on a red t-shirt, with a different color red sweatpants, green socks with white snowflakes, and her silver, sparkly mary janes? That is true! I remember it well because we were at our school to get the H1N1 vaccine, so we saw and spoke to lots of people we know. Other days, I actually see what she is wearing and I know she looks ridiculous and I know that other moms are going to judge me for it and I let her go out anyway. And don’t even get me started on the nutrition thing. Avery had to keep a little food diary this past week of all the fruits and vegetables she ate each day. There was a blank page!! Pathetic, isn’t it? I was so embarrassed that I told her to draw a tomato in the fruit column for the spaghetti sauce she had for dinner and a head of lettuce in the vegetable column for the little bit that was on the fast food cheeseburger she had for lunch. That may have been a new low, even for me.
When I turned thirty, I remember thinking how great my life was. Addy was almost two and I was pregnant with Avery. I really believed that I would never want anything more. It seems kind of foolish now. Don’t get me wrong, my life was great. My marriage was great, and I loved being a stay-at-home mom and caring for my family. What I feel foolish about is that I believed it would be easy for me, that as a mother I would always know what to do and I believed that I would never want anything more or want to do anything else. Why did I, at thirty, think all of my dreams had come true? And why is it so hard to admit that I have new dreams now?
There are several reasons that this is difficult and scary for me. First of all, it’s hard to admit that I got exactly what I wished for and it doesn’t fill me up the way I thought it would. At the height of my depression, my mom said to me, “I just don’t get it, Jenny. You have everything you ever wanted, what do you have to be depressed about?” That hurt. I like to say it hurt because she wasn’t being sympathetic and I thought it was a cold thing for my mother (who has fought her own battles with anxiety and depression) to say. The truth is it hurt because I thought she was right. In my head I know enough about depression and anxiety to know that it isn’t always rational, there doesn’t have to be something wrong with your life, but in my heart I felt guilty about it. I did have everything I said I wanted and a whole lot more, what did I have to be depressed about? It’s also scary to think about doing something I’ve never done before…it’s hard to figure out what it might be that I want to do. Do I have a gift, a talent, a passion that I haven’t been able to identify yet? And if I pick something crazy (like writing, for example) and it turns out I don’t love it or I suck, what are my friends and family going to think when I try something else? I know it’s also a little scary for my husband. He, of course, wants me to be happy but I know there’s part of him that’s wondering exactly who I am these days. What happened to the woman he married? Is she still in there? I know he wonders if I want something new in place of what I have, but I am certain that is not the case. I do have a great life, just like I did at thirty. I have a great husband who believes in me and believes in us, I have three beautiful daughters who bring me joy, I have amazing friends and family…I am blessed and I know it and I am extremely grateful for it all.
I hate that I sound so negative. That’s not really who I am. I am just trying to learn from everything I’ve gone through and I am very optimistic. I still have the same dreams for my family that I’ve always had. Dreams are a good thing, after all. They give us direction, something to strive for…and when you get whatever it is you worked so hard to get, it’s time to dream of something else. That’s where I am right now and all the chaos, anxiety, stress and doubt are just part of the process…
Until later…
Posted in Anxiety, Depression, Fear, Gratitude, Healing, Marriage, Motherhood, Uncategorized | Tagged: Anxiety, Depression, Gratitude, Marriage, mental illness | Leave a Comment »
Posted by Jenny on February 19, 2010
I remember an afternoon when I was maybe 10 years old. My sister and I were looking for our mom. I’m sure both of us had some important reason for needing her, because kids only need their moms for really important things, like asking right then if they can have a slumber party for their next birthday which is still 8 months away and how many girls will they be allowed to invite? Anyway, we are calling her and not getting any answer and we’re running from room to room not finding her. Finally, our dad got involved. He joins us in the search and also tries calling her, all with no response. So at this point, we are starting to get a little worried. It seemed like we had been looking for a long time, although I’m sure it was just a few minutes. I guess when we couldn’t find her in any of the rooms, somehow we ended up looking in closets and sure enough there she was in her bedroom closet. She was sitting on the floor, right in the middle of all her shoes, hiding from us. She told us that she was just sick of hearing “mommy, mommy, mommy” and she needed a break. She was so desperate for a break in fact, that she needed it right that very minute and couldn’t even take a second to let our dad know. I can only imagine what my dad was thinking at that moment when we opened the door and found her. My sister and I thought it was funny, of course. I know we told all of our friends about it and I’m sure they told their moms who either completely understood and if they hadn’t done something like that themselves already, wished they had thought of it or were extremely worried about our safety and the safety of their children when they visited our home. It’s a story I thought about every now and then. For a long time I kept thinking it was funny and my sister and I would laugh when we told it. Then, I think sometime in my twenties, when I started making plans for my own family and started thinking about the kind of mother I had and the kind of mother I wanted to be, my feelings about that story changed. I began to think my mom must have truly been crazy. Hiding in a closet to escape your own children just couldn’t be normal. Was she mentally ill? Were there other instances like that which I had blocked from my memory? I would surely never be a mom like that!! Now, here I am, nearly 37 years old with three daughters of my own and I can finally say I understand. I have hidden in my closet just to have a moment’s peace. I have stood in the cold garage to finish an important phone call without interruption while my children enjoy the run of the nice, warm house. I have locked myself in the bathroom to get away, although that one rarely works. Give it thirty seconds and there are little fingers poking under the crack, sometimes they even lay their face on the floor and stick their tiny mouths and noses under the door to say, “Mommy, are you there? Mommy, I need you!” I have also completely ignored the calls from the first floor silently hoping and praying it would stop. So I get it!! I’m not saying I really understand my mother, I’m not sure that ever happens, but I understand the day she went crazy.
So why the blog? It’s a long story that led me here. I’ll fill you in on an as-needed basis, but not today. It’s not a boring story, in fact it’s full of sadness and scandal and humor and drama and all kinds of things most people can relate to, but it’s long and I haven’t decided yet what details I’m going to share. Anyway, here’s the basics…I was living a great life, the life I thought I always wanted. I have an amazing husband, three bright, beautiful wonderful girls, a nice house, great friends. I was busy all the time, and not just running my kids around. Somehow, as happens to a lot of us, I got lost in it all. I wasn’t me anymore. I was somebody’s mommy and somebody’s wife and I was taking care of everything and my own soul was starving. So basically I flipped out. I did some things I never thought I would do, my marriage was in crisis, my girls were confused and scared, and I was majorly depressed and anxious. I wouldn’t say I had a nervous breakdown, but it was close. I just sort of fell apart. I cried all the time, I had panic attacks, I couldn’t clean or cook, I wasn’t sleeping or eating. My anxiety was at an all time high…and that’s saying a lot. I spent a solid month basically just surviving. Since then, I’ve been recovering. Part of my recovery has been trying to figure out exactly who I am and what my passion is and how I can fill myself up so that I don’t fall apart again and so that I can care for all these people that I love.
I’m in therapy, I’m on an anti-depressant, and I read and think a lot about how to help myself. I don’t know why but I have this desire to write. It’s new for me. I’ve never been a writer, I never thought I would be any good at it, and I never really liked it. But now it’s here and I want to see where it goes. I hadn’t thought about a blog until a friend of mine shared hers with me. I have to say if she wasn’t so nice she’s the kind of woman I could really hate. You know what I’m talking about…she’s adorable and has four kids ages 6 and under, she never loses her patience, her children always look perfect, her house is always clean and she runs marathons and she’s generous and genuine and she’s crafty and she blogs in her spare time. Truly I do love her, but sometimes it’s enough to make you sick. Now I’ve gotten off track…I do that a lot. I was looking at her blog, which is adorable and interesting just like her and I thought, “Hey, I could do that.” Only my blog would be the exact opposite of hers. I could write about trying to be a perfect wife and mother and failing miserably. I think a lot of women would relate. I could of course be funny and laugh at my own insanity and if my message somehow reaches another crazy mom or two then all the better. If no one ever reads it, that’s okay too, it’s all part of my own recovery.
So, I’m going to give it a shot. I already have a long list of things to talk about…my observations on motherhood, being a woman, marriage, raising girls, my love of music, books, TV and technology, depression, OCD, being a hypochondriac…all of a sudden I think I know a lot about a lot of things, so we’ll see where it goes…
Until later…
Posted in Anxiety, Depression, Healing, Marriage, Motherhood, Recovery | Tagged: Anxiety, blog, crazy, Depression, escape, Marriage, mental illness | Leave a Comment »
